Dua Lipa performs during the 66th GRAMMY Awards at Crypto.com Arena in Los Angeles on Feb. 4, 2024. Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images for The Recording Academy.

If you’re a regular reader of this column, you may have noticed that I’m often profoundly lazy. For example, in 2021 I wrote not one but two columns about it being too hot. Then in 2022 I wrote another. It was at that point our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman told me that I had to stop. For once I listened to him, and I did not whine about heat in 2023.

But here’s the thing: It’s hot again. Uncomfortably so. Also, I’ve had this week off, so I’m feeling even more unmotivated than usual. And not only is it unpleasantly hot here but huge swaths of the middle and Eastern parts of the country are breaking records. So I’m writing another. If you don’t like it, maybe you people should have stopped breaking weather itself when Al Gore told you to. Jerks.

Kool and the Gang — “Too Hot”

The title of this one certainly conveys the theme, but the song itself very much doesn’t. It’s cool, it’s smooth, it’s about a relationship. Not really appropriate. Also, the band is Kool and the Gang!

That said, the name and chorus carried a lot of weight when it was 91 degrees in my house earlier. Second, I’m trying to entertain you people, and a bunch of tonally identical songs is just repetitive. So I’ve gotta start slow and ease you into it.

Van Halen — “On Fire”

This is the tone you’d expect for a song about heat. Also, it’s what you’d expect from basically any Van Halen song. It’s not a group of musicians with a wide diversity of sounds (columnist Tony Hicks would disagree).

That’s not bad, mind you! Some bands change and evolve over time and I respect them for it. Not all of it is good but it’s always worth listening to. On the other hand, some bands found their sound right away and decided there’s no reason to change perfection. AC/DC nailed it on the first try, so why in the world would they want to do anything else? It’s a waste of their talent and time.

That’s the category Van Halen is in.

Ella Fitzgerald — “Too Darn Hot”

See? Tonal shifts! Diversity of sound! You’re welcome!

I know this is originally a Cole Porter song from a musical. And I’ve got no beef with Cole Porter, don’t get me wrong. But, see, I don’t get enough opportunities to put Ella Fitzgerald on these lists. I know it’s called “Rewind,” but if I rewind too far, you people will wander away.

Danged youths. Respect good things from the past! In my day we… also wandered away from things that were too old. But we were dumb for that! Don’t be dumb! Do you want to grow up like us? That’s what I thought! So do things different and listen to Ella Fitzgerald!

Dua Lipa — “Hotter Than Hell”

As you may have picked up from my rant up above, I’m not exactly hip to new music. More specifically, I actively dislike most new music. Idiot record execs and algorithms have forced everything into small, well-defined molds, because that’s the only way it gets well-known enough to find its way to me.

All that said, some musicians find interesting ways to fit within those molds! Janelle Monáe, for example. Lizzo. Also, Dua Lipa! I realize my entire job is to explain these things but sometimes you have to figure these things out for yourselves.

Bruce Springsteen — “I’m On Fire”

This song is included because of the title, obviously, but… it is creepy. Let’s go over the first verse: “Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?/ Did he go away and leave you all alone?/ I got a bad desire/ Oh, oh, oh, I’m on fire.”

The second verse is even worse! “Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?/ And can he do to you the things that I do?/ Oh no, I can take you higher/ Oh, oh, oh, I’m on fire.”

What?!

“At night, I wake up with the sheets soakin’ wet/ And a freight train runnin’ through the middle of my head/ Only you can cool my desire.”

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky.