Composite image. Original photo of My Chemical Romance by Onome Uyovbievbo/STAFF.

Traditionally during this time of year, I either write about the best (2020, 2022) or worst (2019, 2021) of Christmas music. I had a whole pattern going but I didn’t write one last year so I find myself at a crossroads.

I’ll be honest, the worst songs are most fun. There are some catastrophically bad Christmas songs and I love subjecting you to them. Seriously, click above. But this year has been bad enough and God knows we’ve got worse coming at us, so let’s focus on the good. It’s time for me to mine the depths of music from the Everyone Has To Do A Christmas Album era (TM) to find some gems!

This year, let’s focus on covers of standards. My Chemical Romance is on this list. That sounds like a good time. Right?

***

Hall & Oates — “Jingle Bell Rock”

Can I be honest with you for a minute? This is a safe space, right? I didn’t put this on the list for the music.

I know, I know. This is a music column. It’s not like it’s bad; it may sound exactly like every other version but it’s a perfectly serviceable cover. But you need to watch this video, which is possibly the most ’80s thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It couldn’t be more ’80s if Oates was replaced by a Teddy Ruxpin wearing a slap bracelet and a neon fanny pack.

Oh, but it’s not just ’80s. It’s aggressively, almost maliciously hammy. Steve from “Blue’s Clues” wasn’t this emotive. I honestly can’t even tell what they were going for with this, which just makes me love it more. Why do you exist, music video? Why would Darryl and John agree to be in this? It’s almost better not to know.

***

August Burns Red — “Carol of the Bells”

Of the whole Christmas oeuvre, “Carol of the Bells” is probably my favorite. It’s got complexity and musicality while most of the rest of the standards go for simplicity, and it’s an incredibly adaptable song, lending itself to pretty much any genre or sound you can imagine. If other Christmas songs had a really solid and memorable riff at their core, I’d like December more.

This version is done as a sort of prog metal song and, man, does it land. It begins with the same general vibe as the version that made Trans-Siberian Orchestra a thing. Did you know it’s just a regular heavy metal band that had such a huge success with a Christmas song that it made it its whole vibe? But August Burns Red evolves the song from there into something closer to Dragonforce. It takes a complex song and makes it even more complex without overwhelming you.

It’s good, is what I mean.

***

Boston — “God Rest Ye Metal Gentlemen”

“Hold up,” you might be saying. “Boston? The band that did “Foreplay/Long Time” and “More Than a Feeling” in the mid ’70s? With a song from 2013? Is this another one that’s for the video?”

No, I can assure you it’s not. Boston released an incredible cover of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” a little over a decade ago. It’s so good. I shouldn’t be surprised it feels modern. Other than Tom Scholz, the band seems to use different musicians on every song so it’s not like it’s by a bunch of old guys. This song by this band just has no right to rock this hard. And yet here we are.

***

Alice Cooper — “Santa Claws Is Coming To Town”

Alice Cooper, as we all know, is a national treasure. Or at least you should know. We probably wouldn’t have Ghost, Lordi or Gwar without him. “Wayne’s World” wouldn’t have been as good without his legendary scene. And, obviously, the world wouldn’t have experienced the joy of “Welcome To My Nightmare,” “School’s Out,” “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” “I’m Eighteen” or “Feed My Frankenstein.”

As for the album, I mentioned it in a previous column, but for some reason a lot of metal musicians did a Christmas album together. Those musicians included Lemmy, so it’s legit. The Lemmy Stamp of Approval (TM) gives literally anything legitimacy. Pretty much everything on it is both surreal and fantastic.

***

My Chemical Romance — “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

I’m pretty sure Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is the newest Christmas standard, debuting in 1994 and being covered by enough large and small artists that I got bored counting at 75. But, oddly enough, it hasn’t been covered in many inappropriate genres. Older Christmas standards are in everything from country to metal to ska to whatever you call what Beck did with “Little Drummer Boy.” But pretty much all the covers I’ve found are pretty true to the original.

That is, except the one by My Chemical Romance. MCR took it and ran, and I love it. Let’s get more of this. If you have a punk or heavy metal band, hit me with your cover. You’ll make hundreds of cents on Spotify.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky.