In my column last week I said I had to pre-write it because I would be spending the weekend in Orlando at a conference. That was the plan, but it did not end up happening. But I am glad I pre-wrote a column, because instead I spent the weekend having COVID.

That’s right; after two and a half years, I caught the plague.

You don’t need a description of what it’s like because, statistically speaking, it’s a near-certainty that you or someone you know has had it, but let me assure you that it’s miserable. As I write this, it’s been more than a week since I first started showing symptoms and tested positive, and today I’m just proud that I made it until 3 p.m. before falling asleep. I tried to fold clothes and had to stop twice due to pure exhaustion. It is—and I cannot stress this enough—miserable.

Seriously, don’t catch the plague.

Since that’s pretty much been the entirety of my week, unless you want a column about the 30 to 45 minutes of TV show episodes I saw before I fell asleep again, here are five songs about having the plague.

Peggy Lee — “Fever”

Having a fever is a major symptom of the latest variant, and oddly enough, I did not have much of one. I only touched 100 degrees for a day, then hovered around 99. That was good for obvious reasons, but also it did not work in my favor.

My brother caught it a few days before me on a trip to Hawaii. Which is not fair, because I caught it too, and I didn’t get a Hawaiian vacation out of it. But I digress. He had a high fever for a few days. He got Paxlovid, those anti-COVID pills. My parents both caught it from me before I showed symptoms, and they got the pills due to age and preexisting conditions.

They’re all fine. The pills helped a ton. But me? No fever, no severe symptoms, my myriad of problems aren’t complication risks, so no pills for me. I just have to grind it out like a sucker.

Why must I be so unbelievably healthy?!

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Aerosmith — “Sick as a Dog”

This new variant, whatever it’s called, is an improvement from the original. I did not end up on a ventilator and I did not die. That is a good thing, because quite a few religions frown on a lot of what I do, so things could go sideways for me afterward.

Does that mean it’s nothing to worry about? No, because it’s miserable. Picture the worst day of the worst cold you’ve ever had, and it’s that for like three to four straight days. There’s congestion, a fever, an incredibly sore throat and a cough that never seems to go away. But the worst is the overall sick feeling.

You know the feeling, right? Of just being sick? It’s that, but moreso, which is utterly miserable. For days at a time.

Chumbawamba — “Tubthumping”

I was trying to think of a song about sleeping or insomnia or something, but instead I went with “Tubthumping” because it’s an amazing song and if you disagree, you’re in denial. Search your feelings, you will know it to be true.

My justification is that it’s actually a pretty apt description of my week. I get knocked down (and fall asleep suddenly and at random), but I get up again (and try to find the last episode I saw before falling asleep), you’re never gonna keep me down (because I’m triple-vaxxed so I’m gonna recover eventually).

Also “oh Danny boy” is pretty on the nose.

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The Police — “Message in a Bottle”

As I am a reporter, so I have a roommate. I wouldn’t wish this misery on my worst enemy, so I’m trying to keep him from catching it. This means I’ve spent more than a week in my home office, which is a 12-foot by 12-foot converted shed, and my bedroom.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great shed. It’s got a really comfortable couch, a TV, an air conditioner, video games, a mini fridge and coffee machine. It’s basically like a dorm room that I work in during the day. I’m not out here in an unfinished toolshed freezing at night and roasting during the day. But if you spend eight (and counting) days in a box, it starts to wear on you. You start going all Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”

I better start testing negative soon so I can rejoin society.

Disturbed — “Down With the Sickness”

OOH WAH AAH AAH AAH!

Did you seriously expect me to do a list of songs about being sick and not include the most late-’90s, early-’00s song not by Limp Bizkit? I love this song because it’s bad in the exact way that appeals to me, and also because Dave Draiman has an incredible voice that he definitely does not show off in this song.

I will never understand how the same band recorded this song and also a cover of “The Sound of Silence” that somehow manages to be even more beautiful than the original. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s amazing but it doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, my advice is to take this wave as seriously as you took Delta and Omicron and all that. The plague is still happening. Wear a mask, don’t go out unless you have to, and whatever you do, you should not get up, come on get down with the sickness.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.