Merry Christmas! I guess this means I have to write another Christmas music column.

As I’ve expressed every year I’ve had a column, I hate Christmas music. It’s just not very good. If it was good music on its own merits, after all, we would listen to it outside December (or, at this point, from mid-October until mid-January.)

Way back in 2019, in the Before Times when we had no idea what was coming, I listed five Christmas songs I dislike even more than most. Then in 2020, presumably dealing with too much negativity already, I managed to find five passable Christmas songs. This means we’ve established a pattern and it’s Hater Year again.

Please fail to enjoy five more of the worst Christmas songs ever foisted onto humanity, starting with Twenty One Pilots.

Twenty One Pilots — “Christmas Saves the Year”

Let’s start with a new one: This Twenty One Pilots song was released for Christmas 2020. That means this is one of those saccharine pandemic songs. Except this one expressed a sentiment that killed thousands of people!

Here’s the chorus of the song: “But everybody wants to make it home this year/ Even if the world is crumbling down/ ‘Cause everybody’s got somebody who’s got their name on a shelf/ With cheap decor and flavored cheer/ You rest assured that Christmas saves the year”

Remember the third wave of COVID last year? The one in the winter when everyone traveled even though the pandemic wasn’t over and spread COVID even faster? It was bigger than the two before it that shut down the entire world! This sentiment is what caused it, this stubbornness justified by Christmas somehow being more special than human lives. So screw all Twenty One pilots for feeding that beast.

Also it sounds like a Twenty One Pilots song, and those aren’t very good.

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The Killers — “Don’t Shoot Me Santa”

If this was just a song about a rogue Santa going too far in punishing kids on his naughty list, I’d be into that. The song would probably still be on the list because it’s warbly ’00s pseudo-rock trash but the theme wouldn’t justify it, just the actual sound of the music itself.

That said, listen closely to the lyrics. The person Santa is gunning down? He’s a school shooter! Listen to the chorus: “But the children on the block they tease me/ I couldn’t let them off that easy.”

These weirdos wrote a Christmas song about Santa murdering a school shooter, I mean, for the love of God. And this was from 2016 when they definitely should have known better! At least Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” and Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” had the excuse of being written before it was practically a weekly occurrence.

An Insufferable ’80s Supergroup — “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

Our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman is gonna be mad at me again because for some reason he likes this song and he was mad when I included it in my “cringe-inducingly regrettable songs” column. But that’s OK because I still included it because it’s still dumb.

I already went over why it’s so cringe-inducingly regrettable, specifically because it’s so incredibly patronizing to Ethiopians. I pointed out that two thirds of the nation are Christian so they definitely know it’s Christmas. I spotlighted a verse where Bono and Sting tell you, the listener, that you should be thankful you’re not Ethiopian. It’s just an ethical trainwreck.

But since I already complained about that, I’ll complain about the song: I don’t like the song. Back then there was an entire genre of music where a room full of disinterested stars sleepwalks through something inspirational for charity, and every single one sounds terrible. None of these people are choral singers, they don’t even make an attempt to harmonize, so it has the quality of a pub singing a drinking song but without any of the passion.

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Fast Food Rockers — “I Love Christmas”

I always include a disclaimer when I didn’t know the song prior to writing the column so this is one of those. I broadened my horizons to find new and exciting awful Christmas songs. And unfortunately I discovered… this.

The Fast Food Rockers, who I had mercifully never heard of before today, were a British novelty band in 2003. They met at a fast food convention, released one awful album, had one terrible hit, then thankfully disappeared. But before they went they gave us whatever this is and I hate them for it.

This reminds me of one of those music videos you’d record at the mall. It’s a bad parody of a pop group’s attempt at a Christmas song. The only thing distracting from how bad the clothes and dancing are is that the singing is somehow even worse. I’m legitimately sorry for making you hear this.

If that wasn’t enough, their Wikipedia page says there was a controversy when they were accused of not singing on their record. Which… really? You think they paid someone else to sound like this? If so, how bad would they be?

Oh, and somehow it reached No. 25 on the U.K. charts.

Bon Jovi — “Back Door Santa”

If you’re like me, by which I mean if you have the maturity and sense of humor of a 14-year-old, you read “Back Door Santa” and immediately started laughing like Beavis and Butthead. Because… I mean, come on. Back door Santa.

Then you listen to the lyrics and it turns out you’re not actually that far off!

I wouldn’t even count this as a Christmas song if it didn’t appear on the charity compilation album A Very Special Christmas in 1987, because it’s not actually about or even set on Christmas. The back door Santa isn’t actually Santa, and they only call him the Back Door Santa because he gives “presents” to married women, and those presents are sex.

It’s a song about a dude who sleeps with other people’s wives when they’re at work is what I’m saying. He also sometimes bribes their kids to leave.

Also, I didn’t realize Bon Jovi could be this bad! It’s more synth than guitar, for example. It’s not the slightest bit catchy. And it sounds like it’s a live song, which makes it even more confusing how phoned-in it is! Like, come on, it’s for the Special Olympics, at least make a little bit of an effort.

Anyway, I apologize for subjecting you to… all that, but merry Christmas nonetheless. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, joyous long weekend.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.