It has become tradition in this column for me to insult “Eurovision” every year, thus enraging Europe. Some assume it’s me doing a bit to annoy another continent (and Israel and Australia for some reason) but no, I actually dislike every “Eurovision” song I say I dislike. It’s become its own genre and that genre is terrible.

However, I am not unfair. I’ve often said in my “Eurovision” columns that the United States would win every year and, unfortunately, NBC decided to test that theory by ripping off “Eurovision” and calling it the “American Song Contest.” Instead of European nations (and Israel and Australia), the competitors are U.S. states, territories, and Washington, D.C. So we can get to see if we make better songs.

After one episode… ehh. I liked one of them, which is something. I’ll probably list my favorites (and/or least favorites) after I’ve heard all 56 contenders.

In the meantime, one big difference between “Eurovision” and its American cousin is that the version on this side of the Atlantic has some inexplicably famous participants. Who? Well, there are five, which makes it a column.

Michael Bolton — “Beautiful World”

Let’s begin with the competitor who’s already competed: Michael Bolton. Yes, that Michael Bolton.

I know “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” was nearly 35 years ago, but the guy’s won a couple Grammys. He should be enjoying retirement and occasionally appearing in comedy songs dressed as Erin Brockovich. But, hey, from the overly long intro video, he’s clearly proud of his home state of Connecticut and wants to represent it, and they’re probably paying him, so good for him.

It gets weirder.

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Sisqo — “Thong Song”

I understand this one a lot more because I genuinely forgot Sisqo existed. I think I last remembered he was a thing in 2003. After a 23-year drought he probably needs a boost in name recognition.

I’m also a little curious what a 46-year-old Sisqo has got. Hopefully he’s not still singing about thongs, because he’s old enough and not famous enough that it would come across as a little creepy. If he’s the best that Maryland has got, fine, but where’s he at musically?

One last thing: That little girl at the beginning of the “Thong Song” video is probably pushing 30. We’re so very old.

The Crystal Method — “Busy Child”

This ’90s electronic duo isn’t nearly as well-known as the others, but you’ve probably heard this song even if you can’t place it. It was featured in a lot of mediocre ’90s movies like the Nicolas Cage remake of “Gone in 60 Seconds” and the “Lost in Space” remake with Joey from “Friends.”

On the one hand, I would expect Nevada to be able to do better, but I guess despite Las Vegas growing very large very quickly, it hasn’t been around long enough to have bands that need to remind people they exist. Five Finger Death Punch probably has something better to do, and even though The Killers probably should be on here, they also probably think they’re too good to be.

Maybe open the spot for an up-and-coming Vegas band, though? Maybe? Because, come on, Crystal Method?

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Jewel — “Foolish Games”

Keeping the ’90s theme, RIFF cover artist Jewel is there too! Yes, that Jewel!

My first thought is that, “Well, there are probably only so many musicians in Alaska. The entire state has just over 733,000 people in it and the most populous city is barely bigger than Fremont.” I can’t imagine there’s a ton of venues, since there’s not exactly a ton of audience.

I made that crack at our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman just after the show and he told me that Portugal. The Man is from Alaska. I looked it up and it’s true! They’re from Wasilla, the same town as Sarah Palin! Which just seems ridiculous because they’re so extremely Portland, which is where they relocated to when they moved to civilization.

Anyway, my point stands, Portugal. The Man is probably too famous, so they went with Jewel, the other Alaska musician.

Macy Gray — “I Try”

Oh yeah, no, RIFF cover artist Macy Gray is in this. She represents Ohio. I think that makes Macy Gray one of the only good things to come from Ohio, a state so terrible that a record 25 astronauts came from there, meaning that a record number of people want to leave it so bad they flee the entire planet. Ohio is a state so bad, the only quarterback they could convince to go there voluntarily was an alleged serial rapist.

Anyway, she just isn’t fair to everyone else. Imagine for a moment that you’re, say, Las Marias. You’re in the early stages of a promising career and you get picked to be in this big national competition. You look at some of the other competitors—Sweet Taboo, Grant Knoche, Sisqo—and think, “You know what? Maybe I can win this!” Then you see Macy Gray, the singer with a voice like Billie Holiday who was in a “Spider-Man” movie for some reason.

My point is if states can enter people who are already famous, California should have been a lock. Green Day, Metallica, Carlos Santana; you’re telling me none of them thought it might be fun? Did anyone even ask?! This was our competition to walk away with!

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.