Illia Ponomarenko, defense reporter with the Kyiv Independent and metalhead, reports that the Ukrainian military has been jamming Russian radio communications by blasting metal. This was noted by our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman, who had an excellent suggestion:

@BayAreaData column idea! which songs should Ukraine play for Russia?

— Roman Gokhman (@RomiTheWriter) March 30, 2022

I had a far more boring column idea for today but, you know what? This is better. This is much better. I can work with this.

Ukrainian generals, if you’re listening, here are some additions to your playlist.

Metallica — “Purify”

I love Metallica. I love Metallica probably too much. But I do not love St. Anger. It is not a good album. I’ve said I wouldn’t wish St. Anger on my worst enemy, but given present circumstances, I’ve changed my mind. I wish it on the Russian army. And Tucker Carlson, but that’s a different column.

Not just St. Anger, though. Oh no. They get the worst song from St. Anger, “Purify,” which narrowly edges out “All Within My Hands.” While most bad songs at least have a point, “Purify” does not. There’s no central melody. There’s no hook. I’m not even sure there are notes. It’s just… sound. And not good sound.

I once commented that St. Anger is basically a war crime. Now’s the time to find out whether that’s literally true.

---

White Lion — “When the Children Cry”

Look, I get that White Lion is trying to get all deep and emotional here, but there’s a couple problems.

First, power ballads are rarely, if ever, good in the first place. Hair metal bands got famous for hair metal. Why would they decide to throw in a slow, not even slightly metal interlude? Stick to your wheelhouse! Look at AC/DC; they know what they do well and they’ve stuck to it. And the world is better for it.

Second, White Lion does not have the musical talent to… well, to do much of anything, but especially to play this song. Most karaoke is better than this.

I vote we let White Lion preach peace at the Russian army. The message may be lost on them, but at least they’ll be miserable while missing the point, and that’s what really matters.

Van Halen — “Panama”

I honestly have no problem with this song. I enjoy this song and have loudly sung it in the car many times. But it’s in a joke from a 1999 episode of “The Drew Carey Show” that I somehow remembered for 23 years, so here we are.

As an aside, can we appreciate how good the casting was on “The Drew Carey Show” for a moment? Drew Carey himself, sure, he hosts “The Price Is Right” now so that’s cool. Diedrich Bader was brilliant in “Napoleon Dynamite” and, especially, “Office Space.” Ryan Stiles is a legend for “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” alone. Craig Ferguson is an all-around cool guy who spent many years as the best late night talk show host.

Anyway, if it was good enough for a character from a late ’90s, early ’00s sitcom it’s good enough for me.

[Gokhman note: About a year or two ago, my neighbors attempted this stunt, with this same song. After the first hour, I was amused. After eight hours, much of it overnight on a weekday, I was not.]

---

Sleep — “Dopesmoker”

Sleep’s stoner metal magnum opus “Dopesmoker” has two things that make it an ideal weapon against the Russian army. First, the reason stoner metal is for stoners is because nobody sober can stand to listen to it. It’s like slower, less coherent free jazz on a heavily distorted guitar. It sounds like your neighbor trying to get his 20-year-old weed whacker started at 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning and causes the same reaction from those within earshot.

Second, and most importantly, the song is over an hour long.

Seriously, press play and look at the length. One hour, three minutes and 35 seconds. That’s not a loop, a typo, an upload error, or a joke. That’s the actual length of the song. And it never improves from the three to five minutes you can probably make it through before tapping out. Because nobody can make it through a full hour of “Dopesmoker.”

That is why it would be really funny to play a full hour of “Dopesmoker” over Russian military radios and make them try.

Razzlekhan — “Versace Bedouin”

This song is not metal but I don’t care. It remains the worst song I’ve ever heard and it belongs on any retaliatory playlist.

The worst song I’ve ever heard used to be Chuggo’s classic “Ah C’mon,” which is still just… just so awful. But this is so much worse. It’s worse in every way. There is nothing redeeming about this song except that Heather “Razzlekhan” Morgan is on bail awaiting trial on federal charges.

No, she wasn’t arrested for this song. She should have been, yes, but instead she got busted for attempting to launder $4.5 billion in Bitcoin with her husband. Billion. Four and a half billion dollars. They got caught because they’re profoundly stupid and kept the security keys in a Dropbox account.

This can be part of her restitution: Making Russian soldiers in Ukraine absolutely miserable with her awful, awful rapping.

And don’t worry, Ukrainian army, you don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I can do to help.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.