Eurovision happened this week. It’s unfortunately that time again.

For the past few years I’ve insulted the “Eurovision” contestants, finalists, losers, fans and more or less everyone else involved. It’s fun! I mean, it makes Europe (and Australia for some reason) angry at me, but it’s fun for me, at least.

That said, the day this runs is the 2022 final and I obviously wrote the column earlier than that, so dragging “Eurovision” 2022 will have to wait until next week. This week I’m doing an apology in advance.

Part one of the apology is this: Every year I say that the United States would absolutely clean up at “Eurovision” if, like Australia, we were allowed to compete despite not being in Europe. Then I saw “American Song Contest” and changed my mind. The only thing worse than most of the songs was the production. Nobody involved had the slightest idea what they were doing. And the few songs I did like didn’t move on. I couldn’t even finish watching it, and I watched every episode of “Lost.” So apparently we can’t write music, either.

Part two of the apology are these five “Eurovision” songs I actually really like.

Lordi — “Hard Rock Hallelujah”

This song’s victory was the first time I’d ever heard of “Eurovision” and boy did it make an impression.

Most importantly for this column, it’s a fantastic rock song and a fantastic pop song.

But Lordi is not just one song. The band is amazing, too. I’m especially a fan of “Blood Red Sandman,” but their whole catalog is spectacular. They’ve got the theatricality of Gwar but with more musicality to go along with it and they should be way more famous than they are.

Good job, Europe. You picked a good one back then.

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Hatari — “Hatrið mun sigra”

This was the first song I really loved when I started doing my annual “Eurovision” columns, and I will never forget it.

Hatari describe themselves as an anti-capitalist BDSM techno performance art group. Their goal is to end capitalism as a concept. The title of their entry translates to “Hate Will Prevail.” They’re pretty much the best.

They made it to the finals, which is good, but they only came in 10th, which is bad. You really botched this one, Europe. But props to Iceland for sending them on to the big show.

Daði & Gagnamagnið — “Think About Things”

Technically, this never competed in “Eurovision” because the 2020 show was canceled. But Daði Freyr and his friends absolutely would have brought Iceland its first title because this is a legitimately amazing song. It’s still in my heavy rotation and I’m an enthusiastic subscriber to his YouTube channel.

He competed again in 2021 with “10 Years” which, unfortunately, wasn’t as perfect as his previous ye—ar’s output and lost to Måneskin. No shame in that since they got legitimately famous internationally since then.

Seriously though, Iceland? You’re awesome. Props to Iceland. Best music scene on Earth.

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Conchita Wurst – “Rise Like a Phoenix”

This song is like a James Bond theme, but good. The win was absolutely deserved, as was her subsequent success.

That said, it also amazes me for non-musical reasons. Conchita Wurst is a drag performer who was chosen by Austria to represent that nation, then won a contest that included all of Europe (and Australia). As an American, that’s amazing to me, since this country is seeing skyrocketing bigotry and hate.

At least parts of the world aren’t losing their collective mind to this degree.

ABBA — “Waterloo”

I know, it’s ABBA. I know. It’s not really my style, and it doesn’t fit with the rest of my choices even a little bit.

Come on, though. It’s a catchy song and you can’t deny it. There’s a reason that you still know multiple other ABBA songs off the top of your head. They’re good at what they do.

Also, in case you were planning to skip the video for this entry, you should watch it for the casually sexist intro. Oh 1974, you misogynist scamps.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.