We’re gonna try something a little different for this year’s “Eurovision” column: I’m gonna try to be my version of nice.

I know, it’s weird to me too.

Don’t worry, though. I haven’t found a new spirit of togetherness and I certainly haven’t learned to love overwrought, melodramatic English-language pop ballads. No, this new turn toward the positive is inspired by my laziness and the astounding mediocrity of “Eurovision” this year.

I listened to all 40 of this year’s “Eurovision” competitors in a random order and took notes on each. People accuse me of just ranting purely to be mean but, oh no, I put work into this and that’s my honest opinion. And this year it took a lot of work. By the halfway point my eyes were rolling so hard I thought I would pull something, and by Song 30 I was pretty sure I was repeating songs. But I wasn’t. They just all sound the same.

Presumably everyone knew Ukraine would win “Eurovision” and saved their quality talent for next year. Seriously, here are some actual lines from my notes:

• “I kept thinking eventually the intro would be over and the song would kick in, but it never did.”
• “Pop ballad again, but weirdly warbly. Not a fan.”
• “Dude makes Sam Smith look like Alice Cooper.”
• “Bland ballad again.”
• “It’s like every fourth-place finisher on American Idol merged into one person.”

There’s only so many ways to say something is another bland English-language pop ballad. So instead, I’ll give you my top seven, or what Europe (and Australia) would have voted for if they had any sense. Because there are seven songs out of the 40 I liked.

The best is, obviously, Ukraine. Even if Russia never invaded it would be the best. Amazing song. I wrote a whole column about it. So here are the other six.

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7. Latvia: Citi Zēni — “Eat Your Salad”

If you watched “Last Week Tonight” on Sunday, you heard the first line of this song already because John Oliver loved it as much as I do. It’s censored in the video, but we all know what he said and it’s the stuff of legends.

The rest of the song doesn’t quite live up to that introduction, but it’s pretty good and the introduction is good enough to carry it to the no. 7 spot. The actual no. 7, from Moldova, is weird in a way I don’t dislike but also don’t get enough to like. It’s certainly… unique. I’m pretty sure they charmed the public with their performance.

This one came in 36th out of 40, by the way. Absurd.

6. Iceland: Systur — “Með Hækkandi Sól”

Iceland—who came in 23rd for some reason—is reliably one of my “Eurovision” favorites. It’s not as good as Hatari’s entry from 2019, and it’s certainly not as good as their would-be 2020 entry, “Think About Things,” which is still in my regular rotation. But I like this because it reflects the tastes of actual Icelanders.

It’s one of the countries to have a domestic competition to pick who’s representing it in the big show, and I respect the Icelandic people for picking someone they like rather than someone they think someone else might like. The land of Björk and Sigur Rós enjoys the unconventional, after all.

The song has the same vibe as Ásgeir, who’s popular in Iceland and one of my girlfriend’s favorites. Most importantly, it’s a legitimately good song—certainly better than the actual no. 6 from Italy’s Mahmood and BLANCO. I respect the normalization of same-sex relationships on an international stage, but the song itself is so boring it would put Chris Isaak in a coma.

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5. Norway: Subwoolfer — “Give That Wolf A Banana”

This is the entirety of my notes for this song: “Is this drugs? I think this is drugs. Am I on drugs? They’re definitely on drugs.”

Whatever this is was also on “Last Week Tonight,” but the show didn’t give it enough credit. These people dress vaguely like wolves and they really, really lean into it. I don’t know why. I didn’t look up who these people are or what their deal is, because honestly, I don’t want to know. It would ruin the magic. Or whatever this is. Let’s go with “magic.”

By the way, this song came in 10th! That’s not far off from where I’m ranking it! I am at least as shocked as you are. But it is better than the actual fifth-place entry from Serbia, which isn’t bad but is most notable for being performed by a woman who looks like the Mary Kate, Ashley and Elizabeth Olsen’s long-lost older sister.

4. San Marino: Achille Lauro — “Stripper”

I love a punk band, and more than that, I love a punk band that doesn’t tone it down for an international stage. I get why they came in 33rd, but I still dig it. The attitude is great and the song itself is surprisingly catchy, so I’m totally putting this on a playlist or two.

Here’s what gets me: San Marino is a tiny nation surrounded entirely by Italy. It covers 24 square miles, slightly smaller than the 30 square miles of my hometown, Concord, California. It has a population of about 33,500, about the same as Beverly Hills. And one of those 33,500 people, in one of the richest nations on Earth, a nation the size of Concord, is that guy. Just wonderful.

The actual fourth-place song is yet another generic English-language pop vocal ballad that sounds suspiciously reminiscent of “Shallow” from the latest remake of “A Star Is Born.”

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3. Bulgaria: Intelligent Music Project – Intention

This song came in 38th out of 40, the lowest-ranked of my top seven, and yet it’s my third favorite of them all.

I’m aware this doesn’t meet most of my usual qualifications. It’s not evocative of Bulgaria as a nation and it’s not super weird. Instead, it’s just a polished version of an ’80s hard rock song. But it’s a great polished version of an ’80s hard rock song. It’s like hair metal with modern production quality! Complete with guitar solo!

Long story short, I dig it. In fact I dig it far more than the actual third place song, which is pretty good but reminds me if you got Jennifer Lopez off Wish.

2. France: Alvan & Ahez — “Fulenn”

I know what you’re thinking: France? Yeah, I know, I usually shy away from the countries that automatically go to the finals because they’re usually the most generic of all. They rarely have any character or flair.

This one has both character and flair.

Alvan is an electronic artist who provided the… well, you’ll hear it. The electronic part. Which is great! When non-electronic bands include an electronic artist, it’s usually forced or tacked on. But this totally works. I was surprised to learn it’s not their normal thing.

The Ahez part of the artist name is a band that does Celtic fusion music and something called “kan ha diskan,” which is a call and response vocal style from the Brittany region of France. Despite being French, Brittany’s name comes from the same root as Great Britain. They’re all Celtic, and the U.K. is coincidentally the actual second place act.

I had a lot of hope for the U.K.’s entry. The guy looks like a rocker! He seems fun! The beginning of the music video is vaguely whimsical! Then he opens his mouth and… generic pop vocal ballad.

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1. Ukraine: Kalush Orchestra — “Stefania”

The actual no. 1 is obviously also my no. 1, I already said that at length and at the top of this column, but I wanted an excuse to listen to it again. It shows an obvious love for the group’s homeland and a desire to share that love with the world.

When the RIFF account tweeted a link to my column and I RT’ed it, we immediately got hit by a couple hostile replies—one whose bio says he’s from Serbia and the other with a Polish name—and my DMs received some good old-fashioned hate mail. Most of them either said or implied the singers are Nazis (coincidentally Putin’s favorite excuse for invading Ukraine) or whined about “politics overshadowing art,” always using that exact phrase.

I know it’s a troll farm, but it’s an ironic critique of my column since the whole thing was about how I expected politics to overshadow art but then the art was unexpectedly amazing and made the point moot. It’s also funny that Russia is spending money on a troll farm to try to shift public opinion about Ukraine’s Eurovision entry when their tanks are running out of gas.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.