Choose your dystopia.

I’ve mentioned it before, but for the past couple years I’ve waited until the last minute to write these columns because the news moves too fast. Every time I write ahead, something catastrophic happens before they run and I look like a complete jerk for ignoring it. Our decline into dystopia is really inconvenient to me.

This has come into play again, because when this publishes, I will be in Orlando at a conference in my day-job capacity as a data journalist focusing on education, and our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman will be in South Africa on vacation. Which means I’m writing this on Sunday, six days early.

Based on my previous mistakes, I’m not going to write something flippant and jokey that makes me look insensitive after the horrible news that’s doubtlessly ahead of me. No. I’m going to take five guesses at what horrors will befall us in the coming week for me and past week for you. Please focus on the one that’s most appropriate and ignore the rest.

Willie Nelson — “On the Road Again”

It’s horrifying that Iowa, Florida and Texas closed their borders and prevented women from exiting the state. It’s obviously a flagrant violation of the Constitution, but it’s also an assault on half the population’s human rights.

While Florida governor Ron DeSantis claims the new passport system is to protect women from medical malpractice and uphold the rule of law, the fact that only women need a full medical exam and the signature of their father, husband or closest male relative to board a plane or drive across the state line is appalling. And what’s worse is that the Biden administration hasn’t condemned it yet, saying that they still need time to collect information on how different responses might affect his approval rating.

Foster the People — “Pumped Up Kicks”

While school shootings are and continue to be an issue, the solutions from Republicans are increasingly destructive. It was bad enough when they proposed arming teachers, as if a kindergarten teacher can succeed where nearly 400 police officers failed, but Texas governor Greg Abbott’s plan to issue a Glock 19 to every single public school student in the state is so much worse.

It’s bad enough to give a 5-year-old a loaded handgun and require them to have it with them at all times while on school grounds, but at the very least, they could have included some sort of training. The argument that somehow requiring kids to carry guns is fine but offering classes in how to use it is wasteful government overreach somehow makes an impossibly terrible situation even worse.

Childish Gambino — “Feels Like Summer”

At some point we have to stop Joe Manchin. The Senator and coal magnate has essentially run the entire federal government for years as the major barrier to Biden enacting any of his agenda. But at some point, the Democrats need to stop enabling this nonsense.

His latest threat, that he won’t vote for any budget proposal that doesn’t ban solar panels on residential properties and electric car chargers entirely, has to be where they stop caving to his whims. What’s the point of even having a Senate if one man can insist that the Navy investigate how to make their warships run exclusively on coal and get away with it? It’s ridiculous.

At the very least, Nancy Pelosi can stop hosting fundraisers for his campaign.

Wu-Tang Clan — “C.R.E.A.M.”

Look, obviously this week’s Supreme Court ruling is bad, so let’s take that as a given and look at the details. Aside from the fact that it’s in violation of huge chunks of the Constitution, I don’t understand how the conservative justices could rule that only people with “suitable employment” in a “productive industry” for an “acceptable corporation” can be eligible to vote if there wasn’t even a case about it brought to them.

Plus, what even is “suitable employment” anyway? Are they going to make a list? We already know that Hobby Lobby employees get to vote and ACLU employees don’t, but do they have to approve every single employer in America? And don’t even get me started on how the 40 hours per week requirement automatically disenfranchises the disabled.

Not that I get a say anymore. Journalists aren’t even allowed within 500 feet of a polling place now.

Pet Shop Boys — “Opportunities”

I’m still trying to figure out what companies I need to buy shares in to have a say in how my country is run.

After the Senate voted 52-48 to sell control of federal departments to corporations, with Manchin and Sinema obviously voting with the Republicans, I thought the House would stop it. But then they also voted to abolish the House? Which seems illegal, but here we are.

Anyway, TurboTax owns the IRS and Uber owns the Department of Transportation. Those are dystopian, but at least they make sense. But why would Peter Thiel buy the Department of Education? And did they forget the Department of Energy oversees the nation’s nuclear weapons when they sold it to the Saudi government?

The worst part were the fundraising emails I got from the Democratic Party asking for $15 so they could afford to buy back the Federal Election Commission from the MyPillow guy. Pelosi alone is worth like a $100M—buy it yourselves. Half the country is still trying to scrape together the money for the new Uterine License Fee.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.