MC Hammer on the “Oprah Winfrey Show” in Chicago on Aug. 14, 1990. Photo by Paul Natkin/Wire Image.

The original plan, before I actually went to Outside Lands last weekend, was to use this weekend’s column to highlight some bands I unexpectedly enjoyed. You know, acts I wasn’t especially excited about that surprised me.

There weren’t any of those.

If I wrote a column of acts I enjoyed it would look exactly like last week’s column of bands to look out for if you’re old and uncool. And apparently I can’t just publish the same column two weeks in a row to save time. So instead, I actually did some honest-to-God research for once.

Much was made of Bay Area legends Green Day finally playing the biggest Bay Area music festival, so I got to wondering, what other local bands have never participated? And the answer may surprise you! Because it’s quite a few heavy-hitters!

Santana — “Black Magic Woman”

Santana, freaking Santana, has never played Outside Lands. I double-checked!

Carlos Santana is one of the best things the Bay Area has ever given the world, as well as one of the greatest guitar players of all time and an all-around fantastic musician. And yes, he had a bit of a health scare recently, but it was on stage. That means he’s still touring. And he’s never played Outside Lands? Really? How does this happen? I’d like to speak to a manager.

I mean, I imagine Rob Thomas isn’t doing anything important, he could even bring him out as a surprise guest for “Smooth” and make my day!

MC Hammer — “2 Legit 2 Quit”

Fair warning: This video has an eight-minute intro featuring the biggest stars of 1991, questionable-even-for-the-era CGI, an attempted beef with Michael Jackson, and James Brown—who can do magic, for some reason. It’s like a time capsule. Still, worth it for the song.

Somehow, rapper, cartoon star, science communicator and unofficial Mayor of Oakland MC Hammer has never crossed the Bay Bridge to play Outside Lands. That is absurd to me. He’s Hammer! Who wouldn’t want to see Hammer? I certainly do. Somehow, despite the very first cassette I ever bought being Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em in 1990, I’ve never seen him live. And that cannot stand.

Also, look, I don’t want to insult anyone directly, but he could really show some of those acts what a performance is supposed to be like.

Journey — “Don’t Stop Believin'”

This one was between Journey and Huey Lewis and the News, two classic Bay Area bands who’ve never graced any of the stages of Outside Lands. Both should be on this list but I’ve only got five entries, so I went with Journey because of a reason, probably. What reason is that? Who can say. My mind is a mystery even to me.

Anyway, Journey would make a great Sunday night headliner if the festival goes back to making Sunday the oasis for old people. Everyone loves Journey, but more to the point, everyone knows Journey, regardless of age. Even if you don’t know who sings it, you know “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and that’s what matters.

E-40 — “Tell Me When To Go”

This is another tie between Mount Westmore colleagues E-40 and Too Short. I went with E-40 because I just saw Too Short at Stern Grove Festival, so it’s 40’s turn.

While they’ve been better the last few years, this is probably a symptom of Outside Lands’ avoidance of hip-hop for quite a few years there. So they should make up for lost time and just put E-40, Hammer, Too Short, Mistah FAB and Lil B back-to-back on the Twin Peaks stage one day. I’d never have to move.

Sammy Hagar — “I Can’t Drive 55”

Sammy Hagar is probably the most 1980s man alive, and judging by his weekly radio show, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about anything. You have to admit that would make an incredibly fun show.

Most acts take themselves very seriously, and even the ones who make a point to have fun with it feel a bit artificial. So the schedulers should break it up with an hour of the Red Rocker hawking his various brands and singing songs like the one above that forcibly put a smile on your face.

Also, fun fact, Hagar still owns the Ferrari from that video. That says pretty much all there is to say about why I’m right about this. Come on, Outside Lands, you know you want to.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.