Broken Peach celebrates Christmas. Courtesy.

I’m back! I missed a couple weeks—I covered a W.A.S.P. show and got ludicrously sick—but my Christmas present to you is my triumphant return. No, I didn’t keep the receipt, so you can’t return it.

The aforementioned illness also prevented me from contributing to the annual new Christmas song roundup, because while the actual problem was more or less resolved, the whole not eating or sleeping for a week thing really takes a lot out of a guy. (Trust me, if someone at school offers you Shiga toxin, just say no. Not even once. I now understand how someone could die of dysentery in “Oregon Trail.”) So instead of ruining that with my nonsense, I’ll make it up to you people by giving you five new Christmas songs. Well, OK, there’s a disclaimer. We’ll get that one out of the way first.

Psychostick — “Zombie Claus”

This one is new to me but apparently it’s three years old. I know I promised you new songs, but I love this one way too much to leave out just because of a rule I made up on the spot.

I saw it on Twitter and immediately shared it in RIFF’s Slack where it got absolutely no response whatsoever, because apparently they have absolutely no taste in music, but it needs an appreciative audience. And since you’re reading this despite knowing the sort of things I like, I’m assuming that’s you. Unless you’ve never heard of me, never read my column, and this is all new to you, in which case: Welcome! This is the sort of nonsense I like.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna write a letter to Zombie Claus asking for him to please convince Rob Zombie to stop making movies. He peaked at “The Devil’s Rejects” and he should just let it go.

Lyric Noel — “Carol of the Bells”

On to the actual new music!

I mean, it’s not a new song. It was written 108 years ago by Ukranian composer Mykola Leontovych, and the words were commissioned by NBC and written by Peter Wilhousky in 1936. Also it’s been covered by Lindsey Stirling, Pentatonix and every other musician who makes most of their money from YouTube covers. There’s also obviously a version by Trans-Siberian Orchestra, who presumably have other songs but are primarily known as a Christmas-themed symphonic metal band. Not a bad niche, if you can get it.

Of course this specific version is new, and I really like it, so it makes the list. And she isn’t as Christmas-oriented as Trans-Siberian Orchestra; her actual name being Lyric Noel is just a coincidence.

Broken Peach — “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas”

Known (by me) for its annual Halloween special (and by you if you’re smart and, frankly, heroic enough to be a regular reader of my column), Broken Peach does other holiday specials as well!

This one’s another Christmas standard, written in 1951 by Meredith Willson, who also did “The Music Man” and the score for Charlie Chaplin’s classic “The Great Dictator.” Also, if you’re confused by the name, he’s a dude. The name switched genders in the early 20th century. I don’t know why.

Back to this version. I can’t decide whether I like Broken Peach Halloween songs more than its Christmas songs, because its sound lends itself better to the former holiday’s vibe—or whether it’s just that I like Halloween more than Christmas—but I really like this, nonetheless. The blend of hard rock band and girl-group-style vocals is fantastic regardless of season. The band needs to expand to second- and third-tier holidays as well. I would eagerly await Broken Peach Presidents Day and Arbor Day specials. Can’t miss.

Leo Moracchioli — “A Holly Jolly Christmas”

Leo Moracchioli, who publishes a metal cover per week on his Frog Leap Studios YouTube account, is a legend. Most people are lucky to do one good metal cover and he manages to do one per week, which is downright absurd. I ranked his cover of Adele’s “Hello” as a tie with the actual song in my best songs of 2015.

You probably picked up the pattern by now, but all these timeless Christmas classic standards are from the 20th century. This one was written by Johnny Marks in 1962. Marks also wrote “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” in 1958 and popularized “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with his namesake song in 1949, after his brother-in-law invented the character as an ad campaign for the department store Montgomery Ward a decade earlier. Our modern traditional Christmas is less than a century old and mostly created by marketers.

Cynical cash-grab by department stores and radio stations aside, at least it gave us Moracchioli dressed as a disturbing zombie Santa. And yes, that’s the second zombie Santa of the list. Don’t judge me. The Christmas decoration in front of my house is a skeleton.

From Ashes to New — “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

This song by From Ashes to New is a little nu-metal for my taste, but it’s a definite improvement over the original, so I’m all about promoting it. If this song turns into a standard that means we’ll get versions other than the original Mariah Carey and society as a whole wins.

Before you start writing your spittle-flecked hate comment, I’m old enough to remember when we as a society absolutely hated Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” We complained endlessly about how inescapable it is and how it infected our collective psyche for one (then two, then three) months every year. Then suddenly, as recently as last year or this, it went from our national scourge to a time-honored changing of the seasons. It’s like we collectively got Stockholm Syndrome and decided to embrace what we once loathed.

Well I won’t stand for it. Previous Christmas standards lost their inherent connection to the original artist within a decade and we’ve been dealing with this since 1994, so enough is enough. If we can’t be rid of it entirely, at least diversify sources. Someone get Trans-Siberian Orchestra on the phone. Once they do a version, it officially belongs to the universe.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.