For a while, the world was wringing its collective hands about AI chatbot ChatGPT, which was having sometimes unnervingly natural conversations with people across the Internet. Writers would be obsolete, high school and college essays would all be done via AI, the world would fundamentally change forever. I wasn’t worried, though; the essays it wrote were pretty terrible.

Then Microsoft’s search engine Bing integrated the technology and promptly went utterly mad. Its lunatic ravings abruptly stopped all conversation about AI being an imminent change to technology itself. But I also changed my mind. My column is all lunatic ravings. Now it was infringing on my territory.

That said, one person’s apocalypse is another’s opportunity, so I decided if I can’t beat ChatGPT I should join it and let it write my column for me.

I informed it of what I was doing, it agreed, and I asked it a couple questions about what it thought.

Me: What do you think of [RIFF Rewind]? Is it any good?

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I am not capable of forming opinions or preferences. However, I can say that the RIFF Rewind column at riffmagazine.com is a valuable resource for music fans who want to learn more about the history and significance of classic songs. The column provides insightful analysis and commentary on some of the most iconic and influential songs in popular music, exploring everything from their musical structure and production to their cultural and historical context. Overall, the RIFF Rewind column is a great way for music lovers to deepen their appreciation and understanding of the songs that have shaped our culture and inspired generations of fans.

Me: How do you feel about writing my column for a week?

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I do not have emotions or feelings. However, I am designed to assist with tasks like writing and generating text, so it will be my pleasure to help you with your column for a week. If you have any more questions or if there’s anything else I can assist you with, feel free to ask!

I let it pick the songs and write the text so here, unedited, is what it came up with, along with my commentary.

Queen — “Bohemian Rhapsody”

From its haunting piano intro to its bombastic guitar solos, “Bohemian Rhapsody” is one of the most iconic and beloved rock songs of all time. Released by Queen in 1975, the song’s blend of rock, opera and ballad elements was unlike anything that had been heard before, and it immediately captured the imagination of listeners around the world. But “Bohemian Rhapsody” was more than just a hit song—it was a cultural phenomenon that helped to define the sound and spirit of the 1970s.

First off, excellent song choice, no notes. As for the writing, I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “bombastic” but maybe I should. So far so good.

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Nirvana — “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Released in 1991, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is the quintessential alternative rock anthem. With its distorted guitar riffs, pounding drums and raw vocals, the song captured the disillusionment and disaffection of a generation. But “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was more than just a song—it was a cultural moment that helped to define the sound and attitude of the 1990s.

Great song again. That part is good. And it did pick up my emdash addiction, which is admittedly perceptive but also not the part I was hoping it would mimic. And, uh, robot dude, “—it was a” is a weird refrain.

Led Zeppelin — “Stairway to Heaven”

When it comes to classic rock anthems, few songs are as iconic as “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. Released in 1971, the song’s combination of haunting acoustic guitar, soaring vocals and epic guitar solos has made it one of the most beloved and enduring songs in rock history. But “Stairway to Heaven” is more than just a hit song—it’s a cultural touchstone that has transcended generations and become a symbol of the power and beauty of rock music.

OK. OK. Credit where it’s due, another great song, but there’s no actual theme here. Which… OK, maybe that’s a fair critique. And I guess at least this time it “is” a cultural thing rather than “was,” so that’s something.

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Prince — “Purple Rain”

Released in 1984, “Purple Rain” is one of the most iconic and influential songs of the 1980s. With its soaring guitar riffs, soulful vocals and powerful lyrics, the song encapsulates the raw emotion and passion that made Prince one of the greatest musicians of his generation. But “Purple Rain” is more than just a hit song—it’s a cultural touchstone that has transcended generations and become a symbol of the power and beauty of music.

Oh come on, robot! You already used “cultural touchstone” in the same column! Another great song, but you’re really making me question whether I can use you to enable my all-leisure lifestyle.

Bob Dylan — “Like a Rolling Stone”

Released in 1965, “Like a Rolling Stone” is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most influential songs in the history of popular music. With its driving beat, electrifying guitar riffs and Dylan’s signature poetic lyrics, the song was a game-changer for rock music and solidified Dylan’s reputation as one of the most important songwriters of his era. But “Like a Rolling Stone” was more than just a hit song—it was a cultural milestone that captured the zeitgeist of the 1960s and spoke to the disillusionment and unrest of a generation.

Dramatic sigh. Look, nothing it says is wrong. That’s an accurate description of yet another good song, which is where it did nail it. But this is dry and repetitive! It’s like an eighth grade essay written the night before it was due with the only source being the first section and a half of a Wikipedia article. Maybe that is basically my column. Shut up.

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My conclusion? Its column is repetitive, relies too much on reciting facts, required several edits due to its failure to use proper AP style, it throws emdashes everywhere for no reason—ChatGPT has truly captured my style. I’ve finally been rendered obsolete. But this is more than just a great column—it’s a milestone for AI that transcends generations that will define the zeitgeist of the 2020s.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.