Lil Jon in 2017. Courtesy Interscope Records.

Footbaaaaaaaaall!

Back in 2019, in the Before Times, I celebrated the start of the NFL season with five classic jock jams. It was a great idea for an annual feature! Then the 2020 season was weird on account of the plague, then I forgot. I make no apologies for that. It’s been a long few years.

But now I remembered, and football is starting! And I’m excited about it because the Niners are probably gonna be really good! So it’s back! We’re gonna find out together whether I left any good ones for future editions.

And if you read last week’s column, yes, it is a miracle I wrote this column when I could be playing “Starfield.” So far it’s pretty darn good.

Technotronic — “Pump Up the Jam”

We’ll start with the song that didn’t make the cut last time because I wanted to include a wonderfully surreal music video.

Have you noticed how many classic jock jams are from the early to mid-’90s? This one is from 1990. Last time the songs were from 1991, 1990, 1990, 1993 and 1999. That’s weird, right? Is it because I’m from the ’90s so these are the ones I think of? What did they listen to at football games in 1989?

Let’s find out together. No more ’90s songs for the rest of this year’s list.

Queen — “We Will Rock You”

This 1977 song is an absolute layup and the only reason I have that it didn’t appear last time is that I was typically pretentious and didn’t want to go for the obvious. I challenge you to think of a more perfect stadium song. You can’t, because professional songwriters have been trying for 46 years and the only one that’s come close I won’t name because it’s later on the list and I’m anti-spoiler [Gokhman note: It’s probably not “Chelsea Dagger;” that one is too new for Willis]. Seriously, you’re stomping and clapping right now, aren’t you? It’s OK, I get it. Everyone is.

Ozzy Osbourne — “Crazy Train”

We move on to the 1981— when I was ever so close to being alive—with a song I hesitate to even call a jock jam. It’s great in its own right. The label feels like it cheapens its quality and impact on music, plus Ozzy is a lot of things but a jock is not one of them.

From the “ALL ABOARD!” to the riff? It’s the most perfect possible pre-kickoff song. The kicking team lines up, press play on the song, stop it at the kick, it lines up a little too well. So I choose not to think of this as a one-dimensional sporting event song, but rather a song so good that there’s no end to appropriate places to play it.

The White Stripes — “Seven Nation Army”

This is the only song since 1977 to come close to being as perfectly tailored to sporting events as “We Will Rock You.”

I’m not saying Jack White is Freddie Mercury and I’m not saying “Seven Nation Army” is as good as “We Will Rock You.” What I do think is that the riff has taken on a life of its own outside the context of the song, same way as the STOMP, STOMP, CLAP of “We Will Rock You.” People know the songs even if they don’t know the bands. They’re ubiquitous cultural mainstays.

Do kids dream of writing the next classic stadium song? Probably not, because they don’t know what residuals are yet.

DJ Snake & Lil Jon — “Turn Down For What”

I just realized I’m doing a jock jams through the decades thing. Pickings a song each from the ’70s, ’80s and ’00s was not on purpose. So I guess I should include one from the ’10s to complete the cycle.

This makes me old and white, yes, but I have no idea what “turn down for what” means. Not the song, but the title. It’s probably the inverse of “turnt up,” right? So who’s telling Lil Jon to turn down? I’m so confused. Why are we rebelling against? Maybe the lyrics will help.

I checked the lyrics and there are 12 total words in the song. Three lines of four words each. Six appearances each of “fire up that loud” and “another round of shots,” 10 of “turn down for what.” That’s no help at all.

Ah well, it still gets the fans hyped.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky. (He has some invites if you ask nicely.)