While nothing is absolute, there are a few things common to nearly all teenagers. For example, teenagers are morons. Even the smartest ones have poor impulse control and lack of perspective from, you know, the lack of life experiences that lead to perspective. It’s not their fault, their brain doesn’t even reach full size until about 16 and keeps developing until the early 20s.

For the purposes of this column, though, it’s absolute that teenagers care way too much about being cool. Every teenager worries about appearing cool—ironically, since no teenagers are actually cool—and it drives them to pretend to like or not like things based on how their opinion might be perceived by peers.

Even I wasn’t immune to this. There was a lot of music in my formative years back in the ’90s that I refused to like because it wasn’t cool. But now? Now I know that I wasn’t cool, am not currently cool, have no hope of ever being cool—and most importantly—don’t care about any of that. Now I am free.

So in honor of Justin Timberlake’s career prospects declining to the point he reunited with his ’90s boy band to record a song for a movie about toys from the ’60s targeted at kids born in the 2010s, here are five songs Past Danny would kill me for admitting are super catchy.

‘NSYNC — “Bye Bye Bye”

Let’s talk about ‘NSYNC’s co-founder and original manager Lou Pearlman (sometimes confused for being Mr. Insert Foot).

Pearlman, who looked like the uncle your parents tell you to stay away from at family functions, was inspired by his cousin Art Garfunkel to go into music. But not making it of course. New Kids on the Block made a lot of money, so he founded Trans Continental Records to make more boy bands. First up was the Backstreet Boys, followed closely by ‘NSYNC.

He did not stop there. Every boy band from the ’90s was managed by Pearlman. According to Wikipedia, his roster included O-Town and LFO; bands I’ve never heard of like US5, Natural, C-Note, Smilez & Southstar; a country boy band called Marshall Dyllon he co-created with Kenny Rogers; girl groups Innosense and Solid HarmoniE; and solo artists Aaron Carter and Jordan Knight.

Pearlman went on to die in prison in 2016. The first clue he wasn’t on the up-and-up was that all but two of the acts on that list sued him for fraud. But that wasn’t the half of it. Turns out while all this was going on, he was behind the longest-running Ponzi scheme in American history. Trans Continental Records, along with Trans Continental Airlines, were entirely fictional companies he was using to scam investors until the former suddenly became legitimately successful. But despite his Ponzi scheme actually making non-pretend money, he still got greedy and it all fell apart in 2007.

Backstreet Boys — “Larger Than Life”

I was a huge hater back when the Backstreet Boys were popular, so I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t notice this: The lyrics to “Larger Than Life” explicitly tell the listener to continue to be obsessed with the band. It’s not even subliminal messaging, it’s full-blown superliminal. Here’s the chorus:

“All you people, can’t you see, can’t you see/ How your love’s affecting our reality?/ Every time we’re down, you can make it right/ And that makes you larger than life.”

The second verse is more pandering to make each audience member think they have a shot at a devil’s six-way: “Lookin’ at the crowd/ And I see your body sway, come on/ Wishin’ I could thank you/ In a different way, come on.”

And of course there’s the bridge: “All of your time spent/ Keeps us alive.” Some may interpret it as an ode to the fans, but no, this is just telling people to continue consuming. Super good, though. I totally sing along in the car now.

Britney Spears — “(You Drive Me) Crazy”

We all know what happened to her during and since her fame, and that even since being freed from glorified indentured servitude she’s still being taken advantage of. But man could she perform a catchy song.

Obviously, as a budding metalhead, I couldn’t imagine admitting liking this song. But why this song, specifically? For the most teenage boy reason possible: I had a huge crush on Melissa Joan Hart back in the day and she’s in the video. Britney’s green shirt didn’t hurt either. Look, teenagers are stupid, I’ve gone over this.

By the way, Hart was in the video because the song was on the soundtrack of her movie “Drive Me Crazy.” The movie was originally called “Next To You” but Britney Spears was so popular in 1999 that they changed the name when they got the rights to use her song.

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Los Del Río — “Macarena” (Bayside Boys Remix)

When I was in Puerto Vallarta a while back, I took a day trip to a little tourist trap called Las Caletas with beaches and a sea lion and whatnot. The only way to get there was a ferry, and the people on it were vacationing. Half were Americans and half from other parts of Mexico.

The music on the ferry was designed to appeal to both groups, just not at the same time. Half were songs I couldn’t identify but the Mexican contingent all sang along to, and half were big hits from the ’80s and ’90s to which all the Americans sang. When it was one group’s turn, the other sat there kinda confused. (And once they played “Mundian To Bach Ke” and everyone but me was confused).

The cross-cultural bridge? This song. Total strangers who didn’t speak the other’s language danced together and everyone, even people not born for a decade after its popularity, did the “Macarena” in unison.

This song may be the key to world peace. Has anyone tried to play it at the UN General Assembly?

Lou Bega — “Mambo No. 5”

Not gonna lie, this is shameful now. The rest of these were pop songs that I wouldn’t admit I liked despite their quality because of vanity, but “Mambo No. 5” just isn’t very good. It wasn’t then and it hasn’t aged especially well, and not just because of the theme.

You know the song though, right? Everyone does. It was popular then and it remains well-known now. It’s super catchy despite… everything. So I’ll just say it: I like this stupid song. Come at me.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky. (He has some invites if you ask nicely.)