Thanksgiving dinner. Courtesy Karolina Grabowska/Pexels.

It’s hard to believe but in the years I’ve been doing this I don’t think I’ve done just a straight Thanksgiving column. I did one for people who aren’t thrilled about the prospect, one about Black Friday, and one about not traveling in 2020, and the Google can’t find anything else. Which is weird! But fortuitous, because I can do it now.

As it turns out, I may have avoided it in the past because there aren’t any good non-parody Thanksgiving songs that aren’t aggressively, brain-meltingly saccharine. It’s not great. But, for you, I delved deep into the archives to unearth some songs that could work. Technically. If you squint.

Warrant — “Cherry Pie”

This is not actually about cherry pie, but if “Zombie” by the Cranberries, a mournful song about war, can be a Halloween song because of the title, this can be a Thanksgiving song.

Personally, I’m a cheesecake guy. Love a good cherry pie, don’t get me wrong, or apple or anything else, but you can’t beat cheesecake. The only issue is that it’s not actually a cake, it’s obviously a pie. That said, “cheesepie” sounds horrible, so I get it. Tomatoes and pine cones are technically fruits so sometimes we have to bend naming conventions for special occasions; there’s nothing wrong with that. What language pedants always forget is that the point is to communicate an idea, not to obey arbitrary rules.

Sorry, apparently I’m more prone to Grandpa Simpson rambles in my old age.

Thelonious Monk — “Stuffy Turkey”

This is, of course, instrumental. But at the same time, it kinda works? Is it just me? There’s a vague air of Thanksgiving to the song.

And before you ask: No, I have no idea why a Thelonious Monk song called “Stuffy Turkey” lodged itself in my head. I’m not even a jazz guy. I don’t listen to Monk hardly at all. I probably haven’t heard this song since I took a class on jazz history at Diablo Valley College in the early ’00s. It’s just one of those things your brain retains instead of where you left your keys or the name of that guy you just met.

Hank Williams Jr. — “All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Tonight”

Let it be known that I’m not happy about this. Hank Williams, Jr. is the worst Hank Williams by a wide margin for one thing. But there are no non-country songs about football (Real football, not soccer. And the Brits called it “soccer” before they called it “football,” so if either of us is wrong, it’s them for changing it. Get off my lawn, the rest of the world!) so I might as well go all-out.

This also isn’t the Monday Night Football song, which is this by the same guy but with different words. This one does not demand to know if you’re ready for some football. But I picked it specifically so I could point that fact out, and mention that ruining a Joan Jett song actually fits the pattern. Though at least they got the same person to sing it last time.

Sly and the Family Stone — “Family Affair”

We’ve gone through pie, turkey and football, so let’s keep moving down the list of important parts of the holiday and listen to one about family.

Be honest, if you had to give up one thing about Thanksgiving, which of those four things would it be? Maybe turkey, I’ll give you that. It’s a dry meat and there’s a reason we only eat it once a year, but deep fried with the proper brine and maybe some injections, that’s some good stuff. It’s certainly not pie or football. Thanksgiving is the only time I’m happy to see a game on a Thursday! Certainly not a fan of regular Thursday night games, with the increased injury risk and… I’m Grandpaing Simpson again, aren’t I? I’ll stop.

Screw Thursday night NFL games, though.

Paul Revere and the Raiders — “Indian Reservation”

Finally, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t point out where the heartwarming story of the first Thanksgiving goes from there. That’s what you get for inviting strangers over for dinner, I guess.

Look, I do like the idea of an American holiday celebrating family and togetherness and football. It’s a good thing, culturally speaking. It’s not Columbus Day. But the whole First Thanksgiving story… really, guys? We’re still going with that? Kinda leaving some out of the history there, doing a bit of a disservice to half the characters and giving too much credit to the other half.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully you don’t have to work this week and, if you do, hopefully you can blow it off without anyone noticing.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky. (He has some invites if you ask nicely).