Earlier this week I got an alert from my bank that there was suspicious activity on my card. Someone had spent $630 at Ticketmaster. I informed them that it wasn’t me and now I have to change the credit card info for all my recurring payments.

You may be wondering why, for someone who likes music a lot, a Ticketmaster charge seems suspicious; it’s because I review concerts so I get in for free. There aren’t a lot of good things about journalism left—everyone hates you, the pay is terrible, you may get laid off at any moment—but one of the few remaining ones is press passes to things.

Anyway, I don’t know how mad I am that my card got skimmed/hacked/whatever, because I don’t know what tickets they bought. If it was for something called a “Shrek Rave,” I’d actually respect it, but those tickets are only like $50, which is probably $125 with fees. So what are some of the more plausible options and how would I feel about them? I’m glad you asked, voice in my head.

Plain White T’s — “Hey There Delilah”

First up, the Plain White T’s played Bimbo’s in San Francisco last night, with a top ticket price of $128.50. With fees, that’s about four tickets. It could work.

I don’t know if this counts as soft rock in the “we play the soft rock of the ’80s, ’90s and today” sense, but it’s extremely soft rock. Even calling it “rock” is a bit of a stretch. It’s like more sedate folk music with extra instruments. It’s what Chris Isaak would use as a lullaby.

It’s… a bit sedate. I imagine someone who loved this song in 2007 was a hipster college guy, which would put him in his late 30s in an office job. He’s probably just getting into golf, maybe pricing out an F150 Lightning as an early midlife crisis car to feel more manly. There’s even odds he owns more khakis than jeans.

The person I just described probably doesn’t know where to buy credit card numbers online, let alone has the nerve to do it. They also probably have the $630 just laying around. This probably isn’t it.

Enrique Iglesias — “Bailamos”

The next contender is Enrique Iglesias, Ricky Martin and Pitbull at Chase Center on Jan. 31. With fees, one ticket in the pit is $300.45, which is insane, but it also means two tickets would be about $630.

Conclusion first: I’d be surprised. Ricky Martin and Enrique Iglesias are both from the ’90s, so I think this technically counts as a nostalgia tour. That’s profoundly upsetting because they were popular when I was in high school, which means it’s not gonna be long until I’m excited for bands playing county fairs, and I don’t like reminders that I’m old. It also makes it unlikely someone would steal a credit card number to go, because the audience is probably gonna be overwhelmingly middle-aged. The pit is seated, come on.

On to the important thing: Pitbull is on a nostalgia tour!? In my head, he’s still a young people act! But apparently “I Know You Want Me” and “Hotel Room Service” were 15 years ago, so he’s on a tour with chairs in the pit. I am so old.

Duran Duran — “Hungry Like the Wolf”

I enjoy the music of Duran Duran. “Hungry Like the Wolf” is a classic of course, but “Rio,” “Ordinary World,” “Girls On Film” and the rest of their oeuvre is great stuff. No complaints from me.

Ticketmaster is selling tickets to their show at Thunder Valley Casino on Feb. 3. Despite how much I like the band, I’m not going. Not because of the distance—though it is a haul—but because balcony tickets are $170 before taxes and fees. Balcony! For a band whose biggest hits were 40 years ago! That’s absurd! I know ticket prices are high but, dudes, $170 for the back of the house?

It’s a possibility this is what my stolen card bought, though, because I’m a grown adult with a full-time job and a house and all that, and the only way I’d pay that much for a non-Metallica ’80s band is if it was with someone else’s money.

Madonna — “Ray of Light”

Yes, I picked that Madonna song to annoy you. You specifically. Deal with it. [Gokhman note: I love this song, so suck it].

Madonna is playing two nights at Chase Center at the end of February and the entire $630 could have been spent on one single ticket. The back of the second deck is $166 if they wanted more, which by the way is cheaper than Duran Duran, if you want the best value.

I wouldn’t see Madonna at this point. It’s not an ageism thing. I may go see Stevie Nicks at BottleRock and she’s a full decade older. It’s that Nicks is aging gracefully and Madonna seems to refuse to accept the passage of time. [Gokhman note: COUNTERPOINT]. I know society puts a lot of pressure on women to be young, disposing of any that dare reach 35, but I get the same vibe from Madonna that I get from middle-aged men who still own and wear their high school letterman jacket.

Regardless, with tickets as expensive as they are, it’s entirely possible a fan got desperate and stole my card number to buy a second ticket. I get it. It’s hard out there.

Petty Theft — “Mary Jane’s Last Dance”

Wait, no, I figured it out. This San Francisco Tom Petty cover band is playing Harlow’s Night Club in Sacramento tonight and the thief definitely got a bunch of tickets to that.

Why? Well, no disrespect to Tom Petty fans or this pretty band. My assumption is that someone drastically misunderstood the point based on the band name and thought petty theft was a requirement to get in. Totally understandable mistake, no harm no foul. Have fun, guys.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky. (He has some invites if you ask nicely).