Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday! So we’re celebrating that.
I’m a Niners fan so I refuse to make predictions, because picking them out loud will jinx everything and it will all be my fault. So let’s skip the analysis and go right to the column. OK? OK.
There was a period in the ’80s when every team recorded a music video. If you’re reading this, you’re likely a football fan, so you’re likely familiar with “Super Bowl Shuffle” by the ’85 Chicago Bears. But it’s neither the worst nor even the first one. And they were all awful. I mean, unspeakably awful.
So let’s listen to five of them, shall we?
San Francisco 49ers — “We Are the Forty Niners”
Let’s get this one out of the way, since it’s my team and they’re playing tomorrow.
Jerry Rice is the best wide receiver in human history. He’s arguably the best football player who’s ever set foot on a field. He’s also widely recognized as one of the nicest, coolest guys in sports.
I say all that because, Jerry, if you’re reading this, know that I say this with love: You’re the worst rapper I’ve ever heard. Seriously, how is anyone that bad at rapping? Could he not hear the beat? Was that the first time he’d seen the lyrics? I mean come on.
Still the greatest, though. At football.
Los Angeles Rams — “Ram It”
This was the first L.A. Rams, before St. Louis, before they moved back. Just to be clear.
Why did an NFL team decide its entire awful team rap song would be increasingly unsubtle euphemisms? I don’t know! But someone, somewhere must have signed off on this, and god bless ’em for it. Because now this exists and will always exist.
I guess we should just all feel lucky the Rams went with the innuendo song rather than the Browns.
Dallas Cowboys — “I Don’t Want to be Home for Christmas”
Any team can record a generic rap song, but it takes true innovators to try to sing a Christmas song.
Why go with a Christmas song? Nobody knows. Nobody will ever know. It was the ’80s so the answer was probably cocaine. Any bad idea from the ’80s was definitely due to a Tony Montana of cocaine.
Seriously, though. This team was coached by Tom Landry. Someone had to explain to Tom Landry that his team needed to take a break to do this. Can you even imagine that conversation?[Gokhman note: How did this not make Willis’ column for worst Christmas songs?].
Seattle Seahawks — “Locker Room Rock”
Here’s another group that decided not to go with rap and… the Seahawks probably should’ve gone with rap.
My favorite part of this video is the poorly acted intro where they’re all depressed and exhausted from, presumably, another humiliating loss, and one of their teammates has to cheer them up with an awful song. This might be our year, guys! The blue wave is on a roll!
There’s also a cameo by an old lady. And at the 2:30 mark, No. 86 makes an attempt to dance that’s never been surpassed in its profound, almost supernatural badness. This is truly the 1985 Seattle Seahawks of music videos.
Philadelphia Eagles — “Buddy’s Watching You”
“Yeeeeah boy!” — Randall Cunningham
First off, I’d like to apologize to Jerry Rice. Eagles kicker Luis Zendejas is the worst rapper of all time. Sorry dude, but it’s true.
For pure unnatural awkwardness, this one takes the crown. You’d think none of these guys had ever met before this video and were told by the director to act like friends. It’s not easy to have poor chemistry when you’re actually teammates and not acting, but these guys pulled it off.
And to top it all off, Buddy Ryan doesn’t even appear in the video! He’s not actually watching them! It’s all a lie!
Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.