REWIND: Which song best suits each Democratic primary contender?

Bernie Sanders, Amy Klobuchar, Jose Biden, Pete Buttegieg, Mike Bloomberg,

Not Tuesday Tracks. Clockwise from top left: Pete Buttegieg, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Mike Bloomberg, Amy Klobuchar and Joe Biden.

[Gokhman note! These are Willis’ words and opinions. RIFF does not endorse or condone them, and we don’t officially endorse any of the democrat nominees for president. Maybe we should, though? Ask us again in four to eight years. Anyway, the only thing that we, as a publication, do support is the removal of the tyrant currently in office. So whoever wins this primary, please vote for that person next fall].

Next Tuesday there’s an election in California, and if you live here or are registered here, you should vote in it. If you’re not registered, same-day registration is a thing. I think we’re all seeing what can happen if we don’t make our voice heard or abstain because we don’t like the choices.

But what if somehow you haven’t decided which Democratic candidate to pick? Fortunately for you, I’m here to help. Here’s a song that, in my humble and correct opinion, encapsulates each of the potential nominees still standing.

Elizabeth Warren: Warren G — “Regulate”

This one is just too perfect in too many ways.

I’m an avid Warren G myself, which is a term I stole from someone on Twitter for Warren supporters. If you haven’t decided who to vote for, just pick Warren. Thank me later.

Warren, of course, wants to regulate. She wants to restore regulations for environmental standards and food safety, she wants to regulate ISPs and tech companies, and she basically wants to make sure companies stop poisoning you and stealing from you.

Mount up.

Bernie Sanders: Rage Against the Machine — “Take the Power Back”

OK, so maybe Warren’s not for you. You’re wrong of course but it’s possible. Maybe you want an angrier candidate, one who replaces Warren’s carefully documented plans with shouting. It’s certainly not unwarranted in the current era.

Well, in that case Sanders would be your guy. He’s the Rage Against the Machine of candidates; unashamedly socialist, outspokenly critical of most facets of modern America, and significantly older than you might think.

Joe Biden: Hazel Dickens — “Old and In the Way”

There was a time I really liked Joe Biden. I didn’t follow his 1988 campaign on account of being 5 years old, but in 2008 he was refreshingly acerbic in debates and brought a fire and honesty to the race that it needed. I also think he did an admirable job as vice president, as much as you can within the office’s limited powers anyway.

Unfortunately, that was quite a while ago.

Now, in a nationally televised debate, he responded to a question about reparations for the descendants of slaves by saying he wants to send social workers into homes to teach people how to parent. One example: parents should leave the record player on so the kids learn words.

I really, really wish I was making that up. But I am not.

Mike Bloomberg: Aerosmith — “Eat the Rich”

Mike Bloomberg, the former Republican mayor of New York City, is running for the Democratic nomination for president. He entered the race late and basically bought attention by spending $350 million—million—on advertising in just a few months.

Three hundred and fifty million dollars. Roughly what 5,500 American average households earn, combined, in an entire year.

Since declaring his candidacy, recordings have come to light in which he defends having police harass non-white people, says ending institutional racism and neighborhood-based segregation caused the 2008 recession, and that we could double class sizes and it’d be fine.

Eat the rich.

Pete Buttegieg: Creedence Clearwater Revival — “Fortunate Son”

Buttigieg isn’t as rich as Bloomberg. And he isn’t totally unfamiliar with prejudice, being a gay man. But his contender status is the clearest example of white privilege I can imagine.

This is a man whose only job was at McKinsey, the cartoonishly evil consulting firm that helped design Enron’s illegal accounting, advised Saudi Arabia on ways to identify dissidents, sparked the opioid epidemic by helping accelerate sales of OxyContin, and advised ICE reduce spending on food and medical care for migrants in internment camps. Admittedly we don’t know if he worked with any of those clients because he won’t tell us what he did with the company.

His only political experience is mayor of a city of 102,000 people, which would make it only the fourth-largest city in Contra Costa County. He did serve in Afghanistan… for seven months, mostly investigating the Taliban’s finances.

Could you imagine someone of any other race or ethnicity with that resume being taken seriously on a national stage?

Amy Klobuchar: Black Flag — “I’ve Had It”

You’d be excused for not knowing a whole lot about Klobuchar. She was only in the race in a vague sense until her surprising third-place finish in New Hampshire. So here’s a fun fact: She’s downright abusive to her employees.

She’s not just a tough boss, oh no. She berates them in public, throws things at them and demands they do demeaning things. The reports put her in borderline-sociopath territory. Regardless of her policies, I for one just can’t vote for someone who has that little respect for her fellow human beings.

So there you have it. Hopefully this helped you make a more informed decision, by which I mean hopefully now you’ll vote for Warren.

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