Insert Foot and the Cave of Solitude. Photo: Alberto Loyo/Shutterstock.

So, the plan is to write in Kanye West’s name when we all vote in November … right, you guys?

Rendering: Adam Pardee/STAFF.

Guys?

Why not? How is Kanye West not a viable candidate for president in 2020–the year wrong is right, up is down, and a reality television show bully who essentially admitted he sexually assaulted women not only got four years in the White House but may get another four?

Kanye West could actually siphon away enough votes to affect a presidential election, one Democratic pollster told CNN last week. He’s guying to be on the ballots of several states.

Another source told the network West has the full support of Donald Trump.

Of course, he does.

CNN also reported, when a reporter from Forbes pointed out to West he really has no chance of being president–which we’ve heard somewhere else before–West replied “I’m not going to argue with you. Jesus is king.”

Wait … is he running too?

This is all pretty awful, and I haven’t even gotten to the part about theoretically turning the Kardashians loose in the White House. West, who wore a bulletproof vest to his campaign announcement and said he’s running as a member of the birthday party, reportedly lives with bipolar disorder. He has said in public he doesn’t take medication. So, someone without a shred of empathy is using this obviously sick person as a political plaything. Which, at this point, doesn’t seem to matter compared to the rest of the bloody horror film we’re witnessing out there.

If anyone wants to share an isolated cave with me for the next few months, just give a yell. I don’t have a lot of survival skills but know that I won’t try to convince you how you should vote … if we weren’t living in an isolated cave where they don’t have polling places. And probably smelling bad …

Just kidding. I’m planning on voting twice. The president said I can …

At least we can all take comfort that Smash Mouth is still around, taking our minds off our troubles by taking us back to the good time music from a better time.

That’s what’s known as a clever transition. Or not.

Since we’re discussing Smash Mouth for a second, it’s kind of funny that they’re from San Jose. That’s an area where millions of math and science geeks go to make more money than God, or even Paul McCartney. They have imagination, sure. But they also do things based on logic and math and science, which is slightly less popular in some places than eating toenail clippings basted in pickle juice.

Smash Mouth played the big annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in North Dakota on Aug. 9. Yay live music in 2020, right?

Right, a show for the same demographic who screamed 30 years ago that helmet laws infringed on their human rights, or some such thing.

As expected, something like 10 trillion people showed up (just a guess) without masks, including the band from Super Smart Scientific Silicon San Jose.

I guess they figured COVID-19 doesn’t dig motorcycles.

Well, turns out it does.

According to NME, which might mean No More Enlightenment in this case, here’s a quote from the show, from Smash Mouth unmasked front manSteve Harwell:

“We’re all here together tonight! Fuck that COVID shit!”

Thanks, Steve. Very well put.

So, as everyone with a pulse whose brain hasn’t turned to cheese this year believed would happen, people at the rally soon began getting sick. At least 300 cases of coronavirus in at least eight states have since been traced to rally attendees, with one man dying … so far.

No, it’s not all Steve’s fault. Nor is it all the fault of other acts who played. But it’s a telling snapshot: There is no telling a virus to “fuck off.” It just flips you the bird right back and starts sending people to the hospital.

I’ll save you space in the cave.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.