Insert Foot sings “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

It’s December and, for once and for all, it’s time to answer the age old question that everyone wants answered; the No. 1 question on everyone’s lips – young and old, male or female – this time of year:

Is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” totally gross?

It’s  a “woke” question, I suppose. If you need to, imagine the male protagonist is dressed like a woman. Then ask yourself if that’s OK.

(If you really just did that, I suggest you turn the channel when the “news” comes on or consult with a mental health care practitioner soon).

Sure, it could be just a rascally old diddy that’s merely a 20th century nod to men and women’s traditional tug-of-war over … love? More like who gets to keep their pants on some cold December night. Who’s decision is that? And, if the man gets his way and she hangs around, has a few more eggnogs, and decides to do something she didn’t want to do a couple hours earlier – and she gets pregnant –  whose decision is it whether she keeps that baby?

Santa Alito’s, that’s who.

Men, who are stupid anyway, love to believe women are simply playing hard to get. It’s true sometimes, but a lot of the time it’s really not. And the holidays make people sentimental, desperate and crazy. The song, which I sort of love, probably hasn’t aged very well.

It’s not because the male protagonist is actually being rapey, I don’t think. As a younger man, I probably used to say similar things to get a date to hang around longer:

• “It’s cold out there and you might freeze to death if you leave”
• “Let’s listen to one more Ratt song so I can really convince you once and for all they’re the next Led Zeppelin”
• “I heard on the radio the Soviets fired ICBMs five minutes ago and I have this awesome bomb shelter inside stocked with new formula Coke and Mama Celeste’s frozen pizza.”

Nowadays, it would be more like “Stay and let’s watch another episode of ‘Golden Bachelor’ and, in doing so, please notice during commercial breaks how I still have a great head of hair and don’t break down in tears every seven minutes like Old Mr. Fragile on TV.”

Yes, there were other reasons I wanted a date to hang around. I probably liked her and had abandonment issues. Or maybe for other reasons. Breakfast is much better when there’s someone to pass the Tabasco.

Perhaps the male protagonist is just being charming for 1944, when women weren’t allowed to leave the house until we needed them to build warplanes to win wars men started.

So let’s examine the lyrics scientifically. And while I’m no scientist, I have many daughters and, before I had them (and some would say after as well), could be a real ass to women (sometimes). Which explains why Karma gave me nothing but daughters.

And, by the way, let’s not forget the unforgettable version in “Elf,” when Will Farrell joins Zooey Deschanel in an updated version while he’s … sitting … outside … the shower … while she’s … naked … and doesn’t … know … he’s there.

Uh … anyway, the song’s male protagonist mentions pouring drinks; she questions what’s in her drink; he says there are no cabs to take her home; she says she should say no while he asks to move closer. She also says she can at least say she tried, while Mr. Slobbering Predator says she’s hurting his pride. At one point, Mr. Desperate Thinkswithhispants says, “How can you do this thing to me?”

That’s exactly why I pay good money for my 15-year-old to learn jiu-jitsu.

The song’s female protagonist (victim) comes out and says no. But Dean Martin (I keep imagining Dean Martin) keeps pushing. He actually comes out and tells her she could die if she leaves. Part of me still thinks it’s funny. Maybe because I’ve said similar things to women (a UFO could get you if you leave and, my God, those probes …” But I was also usually with someone who would laugh at my stupidity and leave anyway. Which I knew they knew I knew…

But here’s the key: I’m not a woman. I probably have never had a woman try to coax me to stay (not true – but talking about what our kids would look like on the first date would scare any guy away).

While men think it’s a charming or a funny little routine, women are probably sick to death of this stuff. So, guys, behave yourselves this year at the holiday party. We want daughters to grow up to be able to say it’s not really that cold outside when they’re going home.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.