Insert Foot and live music.

People love to say they love “live music.”

I’m not even sure what that means.

I mean, I do – but it’s a pretty big statement. And I’m hearing it all the time, which just might be attractive in and of itself in the age of AI, lip synching/backing tracks and over-produced electronic music where it’s tough to tell where the humans are.

But I’ve never gone into a bar or club just because there was a sign saying “live music.” Yet so many have that exact sign. Maybe we’re spoiled in the Bay Area, where pizza parlors and BART trains have live music.

In the world of middle-aged people, I’m learning “I love live music” frequently means “I’m still breathing and am willing to leave the house for two or three hours occasionally, when the coast is clear and you promise I won’t fall and get hurt.”

But when you get to middle age, you have to pretend you’re not middle-aged, so you tell everyone you LOVE LIVE MUSIC. Because we still somehow connect that with being young.

Yes, yes … it’s possible. I suppose that all those people really do love live music as they age. I could admit that, go on with my day, but then I wouldn’t be ranting – which isn’t any fun.

Everyone says it on dating sites and social media, as it’s a very important pre-condition of demonstrating you’re worthy of someone’s attention during our final years so we won’t die alone.

We see prospective partners and say, “Look at her – she LOVES LIVE MUSIC! I MUST TAP INTO HER LIFEFORCE AND BE PART OF HER SOCIAL CIRCLE IMMEDIATELY!”

We’ll get into middle-aged social circles another time. But same premise: “I’m middle-aged but LOOK AT HOW MANY FRIENDS I HAVE WHO ARE STILL CAPABLE OF HAVING TWO DRINKS WITHOUT THROWING UP, HOLDING A BIG GLASS IN THE AIR AND HOWLING LIKE A WOLF FOR A PHOTO BEFORE FAINTING FROM EXHAUSTION!”

Actually, that’s not fair. I’m finding that having an active social life with real human people who aren’t cats or don’t just appear on Netflix every night (there’s a difference, I’m told) is incredibly healthy.

Yes, my therapist did recently explain that Zoe Saldana and I are not having marriage trouble because she, in fact, is not my wife. That was disappointing.

I’m just irritated (because I’m middle-aged) with people beating the rest of us over the head with their social lives, and fun times, and big smiles, and plates of yummy food, and big mugs of beer, while here I sit, probably jealous because Zoe stopped answering my texts.

But I’d like to explore this a bit deeper because I see these live music exclamations a lot and can’t think of anything else to write about today because I’m moving in two weeks and freaking out over where I’m going to store dozens of boxes I haven’t opened since 1975.

I’ve been very privileged to see thousands of acts for free over the years, which almost made up for the fact the newspaper for which I worked paid us with homegrown produce and used clothing.

I know loving live music is cool. I know that sometimes live music is life changing. Especially since the pandemic made us stay home for a couple years.

But there are downsides to live music, believe it or not. Like … what if the band sucks?

What if the band sucks and it’s too loud to talk? Places with live music frequently charge covers. Some charge more for drinks to pay and promote the band. What if the hot wings are undercooked?

Of course, seeing music made on stage in its raw form, by people connecting through the music right in front of you, is one of the world’s greatest expressions of emotion – from exploding love, to despair, anger and that trancelike state in which you swear you’re connecting with a higher power. It can be like deep meditation, only with more foot-tapping.

We fall in love to live music, we get in fights to live music, we remember great times and agonizing break-ups. And best of all, we remember friends. And if we’re lucky, they might still be with us, watching live music.

Fine, you talked me out of it. Live music still kicks ass. It definitely beats Netflix. Go see a live band this week, no matter your age. Then you can post pics on social media and people will really like you.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.