Insert Foot’s Christmas playlist.

My cat and I just put together our very first playlist of 14 essential holiday songs and it’s super exciting. 

Of course, I did most of the work.  

I say that because my cat, who answers to “Marlo” (he does, eventually, the third or fourth time you say it, but obviously hears the first couple times, because he finally yells “WHAT?” all impatiently) has an attitude problem. 

Marlo thinks he’s a wild animal because he used to live in a Wal-Mart parking lot (true story) and being wild means he legally retains the right to bite a chunk from your ankle for saying something offensive like “Good morning.”

“Why did you include your cat in making this playlist?” you must be asking, if you’re bored and still reading.

Because I’ve been researching (guessing) what I’ve been writing for 25 years or so and concluded Christmas trees don’t really fall in the forest if no one cares enough about my point to read it while it falls. 

But if you insert something about your kids or pets … bingo. You’re readable.  

And now that my kids are old enough to hurt me, the cat is probably safer, as he only reads German philosophy. And I’m sick to death of caring about Elon Musk (overrated), saving Democracy (I tried) and sports (mass pacification mind control).

What I do care about is Marlo’s favorite holiday song: “Father Christmas,” by the Kinks, which is about street kids getting pissed off about being poor and mugging Santa Claus. That’s really resonates with Marlo, who says he’d maul Santa if we had a chimney.

That’s No. 4 on our list, the cleanup spot. Our opener is “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” which is also a song about the evils of capitalism, performed by talented people with a lot of money.  

Marlo loves irony.

No. 2 on our list was Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” because all music snobs love Bruce Springsteen. Same for John Lennon, who’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over) is no. 3. It’s a phenomenally good song (especially compared to Paul McCartney’s awful holiday music, which Marlo says must’ve been written on a dare) and we LOVE singing the chorus with Yoko.

No. 5 is “Little Saint Nick,” by the Beach Boys, because we love the harmonies and think it’s nice Brian Wilson let Mike Love be a Beach Boy, despite Love being an awful person.

No. 6 is the greatest holiday song from the greatest holiday record ever made: Gene Autry’s “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” It reminds us of our grandmother because she was awesome and we’re sentimental. Same for no. 7, Nat King’s Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” which is one of those perfect songs with which even a pessimistic murder cat can’t find fault.

We also love glam music (Marlo still wears eyeliner to parties), so no. 8 is Hanoi Rocks’ “Dead by Christmas.” No. 9 is “O Tannebaum,” from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” because it reminds us of being children when there was no Elon Musk. Plus, Marlo speaks fluent German, so he appreciates them using that title.

No. 10 is the Ramones’ “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” because the Ramones really understood the true meaning of Christmas. No. 11 is Bad Religion’s “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” because Marlo says there’s nothing more wonderfully disobedient than famous atheists playing loud Christmas music. 

No. 12 is Wham!’s “Last Christmas,” because Andrew Ridgeley was a musical genius and we always knew who George Michael was really singing to in that amazing video.

No. 13 is Elvis singing “Blue Christmas,” because at least once a year, Marlo goes on a hysterical tirade that Elvis was actually underrated. This is how I shut him up for a few months.

Of course, no holiday playlist is complete without Bing Crosby, who was sort of the king of Christmas, even ahead of Jesus and Santa Claus. We picked “Mele Kalikimaka” because we like to think someone lied to Bing and he’s really singing “Get off our island you white devils.” 

Enjoy the season. We’re trying.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.