Nope … I don’t want you to nominate me to list my 10 most influential brands of granola in 10 days while nominating someone else each day to do same, thereby dragging them into my own personal hell.
I’ve come to hate the coronalists.
This COVID-19 deal has me hating a lot of new things right now. That’s right: I’m an entitled middle-class white man about to start complaining. But I’ll try to keep it balanced, because … I don’t know. Seems fair, I guess.
Brace yourself for run-on sentences …it feels like one of those days.
So, like I said, I hate the coronalists. I did one and found myself putting more thought into which impressive-sounding album I’d list every day than I was putting into gainful employment. Thankfully, the person who signs my checks is educated enough not to read this.
All we’re doing by listing 10 things in 10 days that matter to us is because we’re bored, I get it. But some of these lists … do you really expect us to believe your life was really influenced by some of this stuff? How many suburban 13-year-olds really listened to John Coltrane?
Then again, some of my most influential albums only got that way because my criteria of awesome depended on whether an album had a spaceship on the cover.
And I saw a White Lion video the other day … and knew the chorus. So there goes my high ground.
Or maybe I’m just being contradictory and/or ironic. How mysterious of me!
But I like: That my bad taste in music doesn’t extend to my taste in news sources. Which means I know Bill Gates isn’t really conspiring with Dr. Anthony Fauci in urging people to wear face masks because they want to scare everyone into spending all their money on the false flag COVID-19 vaccine they’ve cooked up with rogue commie scientists in a secret facility in the Chinese countryside, which they’ll start rolling off the assembly line just in time for football and the fire season.
I don’t know what any of that means.
Therefore, I hate: That I actually saw something like that on social media and felt an insane urge to destroy the Internet. Even worse, I felt compelled to defend Bill Gates.
I hate: That Missouri is opening up concert venues while a pandemic is still raging. It’s not just a Facebook meme; the mayor in “Jaws” really is opening the beaches on Fourth of July weekend.
There’s a reason why the smell of concert stage barrier never leaves your memory, even years after the last time you shoved your way to the front of a crowd. Because it’s one of the most disgusting things in the history of disgust. If steaming beer sweat constantly rubbing up against steaming beer sweat among hundreds of screaming drunks leaning all over each another isn’t fertile ground for germs, then come November I’ll vote for the first candidate who says windmills cause cancer.
Therefore, I like: That none of my loved ones live in Missouri. Someday someone will get the bright idea that we all live in the same world and are connected … but enough hippie talk. I can’t stand that either, even if it is true.
Speaking of hippies, I hate: Frozen, meatless burritos (right, I should cook them) after many months of liking said hippie food. But I’m finding myself upping my salsa consumption to compensate for the taste to the point where I’m drinking my lunch. No, not like how you drink your lunch. I quit doing that a while ago. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol during this thing, which is par for the course for me. I never do things when they make sense. But enough about my relationships …meat is still bad for you. I mean, I watch documentaries, you guys.
But I like: Not feeling homicidal after eating. I think if they did a study on serial killers (of course they have, you fool), they would find most of them eat straight from undrained vats of fast food ground beef.
I like: That I’m writing a lot; the way people believe they’ll sit and write for hours and hours when they decide to become a “writer.” It’s phenomenal. It’s like I have a work ethic or something … maybe it’s all those lunches I’m not drinking.
I dislike: Much of what I’m writing, of course. But, unlike all these people trying to force their music on people trapped in front of their devices during a pandemic, at least I’m not trying to foist it on others.
Oh, wait …
Have a cheerful week!
Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967 .