Insert Foot: Musicians don’t catch viruses when cats wear pants

COVID test, Insert Foot

Insert Foot vs. the COVID test and conspiracy theories.

Smell that? We have to get the cat fixed. I don’t get where an animal not smart enough to wear clothes in November gets such a sense of entitlement.

The cat just peed in a no-urine zone again, my daughter says. I swear. As I wrote that. It’s like he knew.

Now she’s mad but, again, he’s really dumb. He eats cat food, which doesn’t taste good at all.

Now my daughter is calling out how we need more air freshener. She does that – randomly calls out things we need at all hours, from the other room, like she’s dictating a grocery list and I’m her on-call secretary, always ready to take notes. Though, I guess I kind of am.

But no, I’m not talking about the cat smell. I’m talking about the smell of weirdness.

I just drove to Oakland so a stranger could jam a stick up my nose.

I was going to write about something to do with music since, you know … music magazine. But the last time I perused the music news, the first headline I encountered said “Pharrell Williams reveals age-defying skincare secrets.”

Of course, I clicked. Pharrell and I aren’t getting any younger.

Anyway: America needs to get itself together and knock this crap off. We need to get safe and get out of the house.

I just got back from Kaiser in Oakland after four days in isolation–and missing Thanksgiving–because someone to whom one of daughters was exposed has the COVID. I got the big fancy idea to see my daughter last weekend and … bingo. I’m sitting in my overheated car a week later with a giant Q-Tip in my nose, with an astronaut named “Dave” standing at the other end.

“Hello, my name is Dave and I’ll be violating your nasal cavity this afternoon,” he says. “Can we start you off by poking the back of your throat until you gag?”

Well … his name was Dave. Dave in a spacesuit. When he told me to roll down my window so he could attack me, I almost said out loud “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

It really wasn’t a big deal; it comes with being a part of human society. You can’t reap the benefits of not being a cat while complaining about the downside of space travelers shoving things inside your face. At least, you shouldn’t. Not while people are dying from it. But stupid seems to be going around.

Take Deftones guitarist Stephen Carpenter, who recently appeared on conspiracy podcast “Tin Foil Hat with Sam Tripoli.” According to NME (I don’t listen to conspiracy theory podcasts; they give me brain rash) Carpenter said, “You are not capable of catching a virus from somebody. You develop viruses because you have some type of poison or toxin within you.”

Musicians don’t catch viruses … let that one stew for a minute.

I wish someone would’ve told me I couldn’t catch a virus before I spent the afternoon letting Dave assault me.

Carpenter, who is also allegedly believes the Earth is flat, also said a vaccine has never worked, though I think he left out the part of that being because of so many people diagnosed with rare strains of stupid.

I’m not trying to be one of those elite brain commies who hate America and want to kill it with quality public education and affordable health care (bastards). But do we fight this insanity? How do we make science Carl-Sagan-sexy again?

Unfortunately, I’d bet on my cat wearing pants first.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at

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