Insert Foot vs. giant wine glasses in dating profiles.

I’ve been doing the computer dating thing since it seemed safe to come out of the corner of my bedroom where I’ve been dressed like an astronaut and hiding since 2020.

You get to an age (actually, your liver gets to an age) where clubs and bars are no longer viable for meeting people. For some of us, that’s any social event that involves drinking, because we’ve already enjoyed our share of this lifetime’s libations. In rare cases, some of us have used up the libation allotment of a small city several times over and it’s just not an option.

Neither are the old forbidden workplace romances when you now work at home all day with your cat (not my type; too hairy). No more college classes to use as an excuse to strike up conversations, either.

Remember the old “Got any single friends?” angle? Just about everyone I know is married, or at least acts like it. Most of these people are in their 40s and 50s. So the last time I tried asking someone if they had single friends, the shock-reaction I got back was like I’d walked into a grocery store produce section in early 2021, ripped off my mask, and sneezed all over the broccoli for three minutes.

Ironically, word of my question got around to the next person I dated, who said, with pure pity in her eyes, “Oh yeah, I heard you were asking so-and-so if she had any single friends …” This formerly acceptable question is now taboo to the point where words gets around and people feel sorry for you.

“You poor, poor man … about to grow very old (the next 40 years) and die alone.”

Speaking of grocery stores, I once saw an episode of “Happy Days” in which Fonzie advised Richie Cunningham to go to the grocery store, find an attractive woman, and ram his shopping cart into hers to break the ice. That may have been allowed in 1956, but following Fonzie’s advice in 2022 isn’t such a great idea, unless you think jail is a good place to meet your next mate.

So I computer date … sort of.  Met a couple nice girls, spent some time with them …. still talk to them. My subscription runs out in a couple weeks and I think I’m over it. I’ve probably seen enough, for a few reasons:

The first: Does every single person in the state of California have a glass of wine surgically attached to their hand? Either that, or I missed that in the computer dating rules. I wouldn’t mind dating someone who drinks wine – I already have, and it’s fine. Besides, I’ve only ever drank wine when I ran out of everything else.

These dating profiles are basically like love resumes. Here’s why you should want to hang out with me: I drink wine. A lot of wine. In huge wine glasses the size of an inflatable kiddie pool. Come, join me in this vineyard, where I stand in the dirt, next to grapes, smiling and awkwardly looking as inviting as possible.

Am I not inviting? Swipe left, and you too can stand in dirt on weekends, with mountains that will soon be on fire in the distance, looking California-elegant. Pose with me and share images of your new elegant life on social media to show people with whom you went to high school and haven’t seen since 1989 that you are living a much better life than them.

Yes … “living my best life.” One in three profiles of people in vineyards, standing in dirt trying to hold up the spaceship-sized wine glass in one hand, usually inserts “Living my best life!” somewhere in their profile. To which I always think: So why are you trying to meet strangers on the Internet?

My second favorite profiles are the threatening ones. The intim-a-dating profiles.

You’ve never met this person, but they’re already scaring you away with a bunch of rules to follow in all caps.

“I am NOT HERE FOR ONE NIGHT STANDS AND YOU BETTER NOT BE ASKING ME FOR MONEY TO COME TO THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE …   My children ARE MY WORLD, SO DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST COME I HERE AND BE A FATHER TO MY KIDS …”

My third favorite profiles are the James/Jane Bond profiles. These should come with their own theme music. People traveling the world, accepting major awards, walking red carpets, climbing mountains, skydiving, running marathons in tropical places, wrestling gorillas … whatever.

My first question: How quickly would this person accidentally kill me? The second: How in the world does this person actually think they’d find someone who can keep up with them on a dating site? The third: How can someone still hang glide holding such a large wine glass in one hand?

Yes, everyone also says they’re into hiking. Which probably means they go to a mall. Whatever. At least it’s closer to the truth, I suppose.

It’s the suggestion of a simpleton, but just be yourself. We already know the times are weird, scary and not very trustworthy. We also know people still need people. The only option is to keep trying, and be honest. Because I don’t think I can’t afford those giant wine glasses.

Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.