Insert Foot: Math, meth, Megan, Machine Gun Kelly and more important questions

INSERT FOOT, Machine Gun Kelly, Megan Fox

By the logic of Machine Gun Kelly, this column will be a hit.

Welcome to another installment of … what should we call this? Things I write about when my attention span equals a housefly on really good meth?

Strike that. There’s no such thing as good meth, kids. Just say no … or someday you’ll have no choice.

Brain babble from a guy who still doesn’t have a college degree three decades after starting?

With the world in its current state of barking insanity, it seems like a good time to ask more questions: Why isn’t 2016 math the same as 2020 math? Why is my home county–the residents of which I believed to be bright enough to understand how diseases spread and that staying home for months sucks–going back under lock and key next week?

Why does Machine Gun Kelly think having Megan Fox–who perhaps not coincidentally is his girlfriend–enhances his videos? Did I really just read an article about Megan Fox and her ex, Brian Austin Green, fighting on social media? Which brings about an even more astounding question: People follow Brian Austin Green on social media?

Speaking of perplexing … why didn’t Broken Social Scene get big, yet … AJR? And why do AJR videos make me feel murderous rage?

Speaking of homicidal, did I really take my 12-year-old daughter to see “Freaky?” Even more perplexing, did I really, at one point, start to believe Vince Vaughn may deserve some kind of award for playing a serial killer-turned-high school girl?

And in a follow-up question, am I staying inside my apartment watching half-ass Marvel television shows so much that my taste is suffering this badly?

OK … three-quarters ass. I have no explanation for how much I like “Daredevil,” after ignoring it for years because Ben Affleck. None. And I still believe the guy in “Iron Fist” may be the most irritating and unbelievable character on television since… I’m thinking …

Was AJR ever on TV?

Does anyone other than The Weeknd believe his playing the Super Bowl halftime show is a good idea?

Why isn’t INXS in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Iron Maiden? The Commodores?

Then again, why do I care about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which counts The Moody Blues among its inductees.

Why does anyone commemorate National Pickle Day?

Yes, there is too a National Pickle Day.

Why aren’t more people terrified of Mel Gibson’s teeth?

Does my logging in on Nextdoor more than once, even accidentally, mean my best days are far behind me?

Is 2020 such a boring and bad idea all the way around, that I actually spent money on my kid and I seeing two installments of the “Halloween” franchise in one month?

I really did. Which just goes to show you how scary October really can be.

Why do I still purchase things that come in boxes full of pieces requiring assembling? Why, why, why do I still believe that’s something I can do? Or want to do? And am I really considering paying a day laborer I’ve never met to put together something that has all one page of directions?

Is the return of “Thriller” to the charts after almost four decades indicative of a country’s boredom and lack of great music?

I think that’s a rhetorical question. Though I am kind of curious. I used my decades of professional journalistic researching experience (Google) and couldn’t figure it out.

Why does my daughter turn on the furnace, for which her father pays real money, then immediately goes into her room where there’s no vent and closes the door?

And, finally, am I really considering spending $100 on a fake Christmas tree? Then again, did I ever spend half as much to carry a live one inside my home, watch it die in three weeks, only to haul the carcass back outside again?

I did. I used to do all kinds of things I can no longer explain. Maybe we can talk about those next time.

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