You OK? I hope so. Halloween on a full moon was just the warm-up act, I’m afraid.
That’s not just a cliché. I’m always afraid this time of year. But no one is saying I have to actually start holiday shopping for a few more minutes, at least. What’s scary right now is that Election Day is likely to get ugly. And James Bond is no longer around to save us.
Sean Connery just died at 90, and the world is a much worse place today. Not only did he personify suave and hold-my-martini-I’ve-got-this capability, he brought hope to a planet of men terrified of growing old without even once testing their mettle against a villainous madman living in a volcano.
In honor of Sean Connery, let’s all find our inner smirk, have a few zippy one-liners at the ready, and be prepared to take on this week with confidence. There may be no other choice.
We should approach Election Day–and the coming fight (because there will be one and you know it)–with one handy tool tucked away in the corner of our consciousness. We must carry the ability to ask ourselves: What would Sean Connery do? WWSCD (trademark pending).
There may be some necessary caveats and/or adjusting. Sean Connery was all old-school man, and the biggest splits in our country right now–some of the very things for which we’re fighting on Election Day–is old versus new, conservative versus progressive, traditions versus learning from mistakes and moving on.
His civic duty. That’s what. Sean Connery would get up on election day, roll out of bed already wearing his crisp, custom-tailored suit and smelling of Old Spice, coffee in hand (black, duh).
He’d hop into his Aston Martin, take a spin to his polling place, dash in his choices with his own vintage fountain pen, doff his hat to the elderly lady behind the fold-up table (she’d giggle while covering her mouth), take his “I Voted” sticker and stick it on the forehead of an adorable child outside the polling place, and be on his way toward the day’s adventure.
Actually, James Bond would’ve voted by mail weeks before. Because he knew he might have to be in Jamaica on Election Day, bringing a gun to a knife fight.
He’d approach this week with gentlemanly perspective. We need more gentlemen. He could adapt while acknowledging he’s still rooted in another age. Then if someone was about to get violent with him over politics, he’d say something like “Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious, according to Oscar Wilde,” before his captors pummeled him with the butt of a machine gun.
“Thank you for making my point,” he’d say, getting up. Which wouldn’t necessarily win him the debate, because someone in 2020 would likely ask what the fuzzy mean green guy in the garbage can has to do with it.
If he lost? He’d do so with dignity. If he was climbing up the tower to rescue a princess, and he ended up in the wrong room, he’d just introduce himself to the lady who was there.
Of course, about two minutes after he told that story in “Highlander,” he got his head lopped off.
I guess the point is try having some dignity and restraint this week. It might become a long month, ending what’s already been a long year. Let’s not lose our heads. If all else fails, shake yourself a martini and read some Oscar Wilde.
Follow music critic Tony Hicks at Twitter.com/TonyBaloney1967.