Kalush Orchestra, courtesy “Eurovision.”

Just yesterday my weekly column ran as a preemptive apology to “Eurovision” fans, Europe, and Australia for some reason. I strongly dislike the entire “Eurovision” genre of music and every year I drag it for being boring and awful. Thus, I did not actually watch the show, intending instead to hate-watch the performances later so I could write my doubtlessly hostile reviews.

So when our illustrious editor told me that Ukraine won, I hadn’t heard their song or any of their competitors but I wasn’t surprised. Every nation in the world (with two notable exceptions) stands in solidarity with Ukraine right now so obviously they got the votes to win. There was never any doubt. I figured whatever dreary heartfelt ballad they sent up there had done enough, but out of curiosity, I fired up the ol’ YouTube machine and listened to it.

You guys, I was wrong. Kalush Orchestra is immediately one of my favorite bands. This song is amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I had to write an entire special column to sing its praises.

First off, let me make one thing clear, this was obviously not a pity win. This would have won any “Eurovision” of at least the last 10 years. This would have won the “American Song Contest.” This would have won any of the 600 talent shows on American network TV, or their international franchises and copycats. If they had a time machine, this would have won “Star Search” while giving Ed McMahon a heart attack.

We all know that Ukraine is hardcore, from old ladies telling heavily armed Russian soldiers to put sunflower seeds in their pockets so the Ukrainian national flower will grow from their corpses, to guys trying to physically shove tanks back where they came from. But boy, oh boy, does this song go above and beyond. These dudes are so hardcore that the singer busts out a hip-hop flute solo—well, a telenka solo, which is a traditional Ukrainian woodwind instrument—and completely rocks it. They’re so amazing that the main rapper is the only person in human history to pull off a Jamiroquai hat, and that includes Jamiroquai.

I want to be a member of Kalush Orchestra when I grow up.

It actually gets more amazing on subsequent viewings. Here, watch it again:

Did you notice the double bass in the background this time? Like a legit acoustic stand-up bass is being played on the stage, and so much is going on that you probably didn’t even catch it at first! We were all distracted by the guy who looks like a rapping monk with John Lennon sunglasses! Who’s also awesome!

The more I learn about Ukraine the more I love it. I know the nation and its people aren’t perfect—nothing is—but everything I find out about it makes me love it more. This is a perfect example. The country is being ravaged by warfare. All around it is destruction and death. They would have had every right to have some singer go out there and belt out a standard melodramatic ballad. Let’s be honest, if they just had someone go out and lead a three-minute moment of silence they still would have won.

But they didn’t do that. Instead they wrote and performed a song that’s a tribute to their nation and its people while making you want to run through a brick wall, one of the catchiest and most unique songs I’ve heard in ages. They crushed it in ways most artists could only dream of.

And now that the competition is done? The whole band is going back to Ukraine to rejoin the fight. They got special permission to leave the country to compete, and now they’re back in the army. Because, again, they are unspeakably hardcore.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.