Man. It is, in the worst way, a hot one. I’d go so far as to say it’s like six inches from the midday sun. Let’s get this out of the way:

Way back in… two months ago, I wasted my annual whine-about-the-heat column on a 91-degree day. Ninety-one! What a fool I was, because it’s been 110 or hotter for two straight days, and I’m literally going to melt. Literally melt. To death.

Literally.

Based on the note our illustrious editor Roman Gokhman left at the end of my last heat-inspired column, I’m assuming that if I do another one, he’s going to set my house on fire. And while it’s tempting to goad him into it, because a raging inferno will actually cool me off a little at this point, I’m going to go the other direction with it in an effort to at least partially avoid his wrath.

Here are five songs that—if you close your eyes and pretend the nitrogen in the air outside isn’t turning from gas to plasma—may trick you into thinking the weather is borderline bearable.

The Mamas and the Papas — “California Dreamin'”

This one is technically true, sorta.

All the leaves are brown. (Well, some are now, when the trees died from drought and heat.) The sky is gray. (Also true if you’re downwind from the Willow Fire in Monterey County.) You’d be safe and warm if you were in L.A. (It was actually only in the ’80s in L.A. the last few days, even though it was 122 in Needles on Thursday.)

So let’s just go with this for a while. We can tell ourselves this.

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John Denver — “Rocky Mountain High”

Close your eyes and listen to this folk revival mainstay. The pleasant guitar, the peaceful aesthetic, the mellow vocals. Let the song take you away.

Just try to forget that in Grand Junction, Colorado, which is on the western slope of the Rockies, the weather has been even worse for longer. My friend Brie reports that it was 100+ every day since Sunday the 13th and got as high as 105. So when John Denver says, “I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky,” it’s possible he was talking about a heat wave like this.

Also try to forget that in “Final Destination,” this song is what played immediately before someone would die suddenly and horribly from a gruesome accident.

Focus on the positive.

Enya — “Orinoco Flow”

This is one of my go-to calming songs, as evidenced by its inclusion in my column from January 11, 2020 about how stressful 2020 had been so far.

Remember January of 2020? When all we had to worry about was a guy who went bankrupt running a casino starting WWIII by picking a fight with Iran for no apparent reason? It’s almost quaint that we thought WWIII was the worst outcome for the year, now that more Americans have died since then than in all of WWII.

Sorry, sorry. This is supposed to be a column about escapism. Sail away, Willis. Sail away, sail away, sail away.

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Metallica — “Trapped Under Ice”

This is more aspirational than anything, really. Just imagine being trapped under ice. Say, frozen into an ice skating rink, or under the surface ice of a frozen lake. Sure the hypothermia would be kicking in any minute now, and you may or may not be drowning but… come on, wouldn’t it be nice? Compared to this week, I mean.

Just listen to those lyrics. “Crystallized as I lay here and rest/ Eyes of glass stare directly at death/ From deep sleep I have broken away/ No one knows, no one hears what I say.” Like a vacation.

Johnny Horton — “When It’s Springtime in Alaska (It’s 40 Below)”

OK, hear me out: Alaska.

You can get a three bed, two bath house on an acre and a half in Alaska for like $450,000, which sounds like a lot until you realize that’s the price of a one bedroom condo with no parking and a shared bathroom in the Bay Area. That’s less than my house is worth, and I’m on a plot of land roughly the size of my house, I have two-thirds of a one-car garage, I’m in the flight path of an airport, I’m downwind from multiple oil refineries, and on Friday, it was 104 degrees in my kitchen. That last part is not a joke.

Most of all, it was in the mid-’60s in Alaska all week. Sure it’ll get cold in the winter, but mid-’60s! And at the rate climate change is taking hold, in a decade or so, it’ll have the same weather as San Diego had in the ’90s! Really, it’s a no-lose deal.

Let’s all go to Alaska. Just ignore the part of the song where he says something about being 6 feet below; it’s worth it.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.