Valentine’s Day is on Tuesday so it’s that time again.

Time and time and time again I’ve written cynical, bitter columns about how stupid Valentine’s Day is and how much I hate it. I write an intro lamenting how bad it is, then I write about breakup songs or incredibly unromantic songs or something. It’s been one of this column’s least-liked traditions.

But sometimes things change.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think Valentine’s Day is dumb. It’s a commercialized cash grab that ties love to buying things. But this year, I have a girlfriend; one who I’m rather fond of. And while she agrees that Valentine’s Day is dumb, she’s slightly thawed my black, frozen heart. [Gokhman note: It’s true, Willis leveled up].

Because of this wildly unexpected development (seriously, I don’t get why she’s with me, either) we’re changing course. I’m listing five love songs. But, inspired by “Peacemaker” and my overall lack of taste, they’re all hair metal.

Slaughter — “Mad About You”

You know what would have made that old Paul Reiser show watchable? If this was the theme song and that aesthetic continued throughout the show itself. Also, if it didn’t have Paul Reiser.

This will quickly become an obvious trend, but the lyrics to hair metal love songs are awful. If you take away lust, these dudes just have nothing left. It’s amazing. But hey, at least they’re trying, right?

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Whitesnake — “Is This Love”

If you list hair metal songs, you must include Whitesnake. It’s true, it’s the law. And I’m not nearly rich enough to break any laws.

This isn’t “Still of the Night” by any means, but it’s easily Whitesnake’s best love song, and arguably the best hair metal love song. Some call it the best power ballad, but they’re obviously wrong. That said, this isn’t a power ballad list, it’s a love song list. So here you have it.

Oh, and here’s a fun fact for you: This was originally written for Tina Turner. Really! I imagine her version wouldn’t be quite as Whitesnake as this is, though with her hair around that time, I wouldn’t totally rule it out.

The Scorpions — “Still Loving You”

So yeah, already this one isn’t super romantic, because it’s pretty obvious the narrator got dumped and is trying to win his love back. But that’s still romantic, right? … Right?

Look, I’m a little rusty at this whole thing, OK? Cut me some slack.

Regardless, this is a genuinely beautiful song. Give hair metal some credit.

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Hanoi Rocks — “Don’t You Ever Leave Me”

Remember when I mentioned “Peacemaker” in the intro? I’m going back to that.

You should really watch “Peacemaker.” It’s really good.

Among the many, many great things in the show, it reminded me that Hanoi Rocks is a thing. After a scene where Peacemaker and Steve Agee’s John Economos bond over their shared love of “11th Street Kids,” I got onto a Hanoi Rocks kick and the two characters are right, they really are under-appreciated.

Also, I want a pet eagle.

Dokken — “Into the Fire”

OK, I admit, I think I broke two of my self-imposed rules on this one. I tried to keep it to 1) no bitterness and 2) an absolute minimum of sexual innuendo. And this… might violate them? Maybe?

Look at the lyrics; does that sound bitter to you? I can’t tell if there’s resentment or if he’s just falling for a woman who once broke his heart despite himself. It’s really hard to tell because of the aforementioned universal lack of lyrical sophistication.

And I think the second verse is about sex? I honestly can’t tell. It’s possible, or it’s also possible that it’s supposed to be romantic and hair metal bands just couldn’t avoid making things all hormonal.

If anyone out there knows Don Dokken, do me a favor and ask him.

Oh, and happy Valentine’s Day to Brynna and nobody else.

Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.