Frank Zappa performs in Rotterdam, Netherlands on May 24, 1980. Photo by Rob Verhorst/Redferns.

In my capacity as a data journalist, I go to a lot of conferences, and it’s become a tradition in this column that I mark my travels with a column about artists from each city. You may assume that’s because I’m too busy preparing or too lazy to write something else in a week in which I’ll be out of town. You’re not wrong, but I’m standing by the assertion that it’s to highlight music histories.

What I’m saying is: I’m in Baltimore! Any good music from here is just icing. As a city, it met its cultural output quota solely by being the hometown and muse of one of the greatest Americans: John Waters. It can also claim journalist and pioneering television screenwriter David Simon, and Edgar Allan Poe—but it’s tenuous. Yes, Poe did die here, and he did marry his 13-year-old cousin here, but he also lived in Philadelphia, the Bronx and Richmond, Va.; rotating between them due to poverty, military court-martials, feuds with his foster father and getting fired for drinking on the job.

As an aside: Poe’s life was a fascinating train wreck. At one point, he tried to get an appointment in the John Tyler administration by falsely claiming he was a member of the Whig party and lobbying his friend Frederick Thomas, who kind of knew Tyler’s son. It didn’t work, but I respect the hustle.

Billie Holiday — “Strange Fruit”

Let’s start off strong with one of the greatest singers of all time.

Billie Holiday was born in Philadelphia, but only as a technicality. Her teen mother was kicked out of her parents’ Baltimore house for getting pregnant, had the baby, then moved back to Baltimore to live with her half-sister.

Holiday had a rough childhood, to say the least. For the first decade or so of her life, she was mostly raised by her mother’s half-sister’s mother-in-law, and at 9 she was sentenced to a “reform school” by a juvenile court judge for truancy. She was released to her mother after nine months but dropped out of school entirely at 11 to work in her mom’s restaurant. After she was nearly raped by a neighbor, she spent time running errands and cleaning a brothel before eventually moving with her mother to Harlem.

The “Angel of Harlem” probably didn’t have the best memories of Baltimore is what I’m saying. But she’s from here, for better or worse.

Frank Zappa — “Valley Girl”

Frank Zappa may not have the best memories of Baltimore, either.

As he told it, his father worked at the Edgewood Arsenal helping to manufacture chemical weapons and would bring home mercury for little Frank to play with. Later, a doctor jammed pellets of radium in Frank’s nose in an attempt to cure his sinus problems, because as it turns out, the late ’40s were a really long time ago. Also, the nearby chemical warfare facility where his dad worked would periodically release mustard gas.

Shockingly, as a child, Frank Zappa was often in poor health. It’s a true mystery what could be behind it. But eventually, rather than, say, cover him in leeches, his family just moved to Monterey, Calif. and then to San Diego. That helped.

Greg Kihn Band — “Jeopardy”

Connoisseurs of the Bay Area music scene may think of Kihn as being from San Francisco, and it’s true that’s where he struck it big and has been based since the ’70s, but he’s actually from Baltimore. He grew up and started his music career there, moving to the Bay in his mid-20s.

Like the previous two entries, he didn’t stay in Baltimore long, but unlike them, his time in the city wasn’t a nightmare—that I know of, anyway. Since he’s living in the Bay Area, one of you may know him. If so, do me a favor and ask if he’s got any nightmarish stories from his childhood. If I find out of any that fit the theme, I’ll update this later.

Cab Calloway — “Minnie the Moocher”

Cab Calloway was born in Rochester, N.Y. but grew up in Baltimore; I usually only count “born and raised,” but I love Cab Calloway, so I’m making a slight exception.

Mercifully, Calloway had a Baltimore experience closer to Kihn’s than Holiday’s and Zappa’s, though not quite as idyllic. He’d often cut school to make money on things that I suppose were scandalous at the time, like shining shoes and selling newspapers. He also got a taste for gambling, playing dice and betting on horse races, which—like Holiday—got him sent to reform school for a while.

Around the time he was 20, he went to Chicago for college, decided he liked music more, made friends with Louis Armstrong, and things took off for him. Because apparently nobody stays in Baltimore except John Waters, and even he also keeps apartments in New York and San Francisco.

Dru Hill — “How Deep Is Your Love”

I wanted to put someone more modern than Zappa and Kihn, but the pickings are a little slim from my favorite artists. I was tempted to include Sisqó just to get “Thong Song” stuck in your head, because at my core I’m a bad person. But, no, I went down a rabbit hole and discovered that the R&B group he made his name with before his thong-based solo career, Dru Hill, met at a fudge factory in the Harborplace shopping center in the Inner Harbor.

As it turns out, my hotel for the conference is in the Inner Harbor. My room is on the wrong side of the building, but from the hall in front of the main ballroom, you can see Harborplace across the Patapsco River. So I had to include Dry Hill. With a connection that close, I’m basically a member of the group.

Follow publisher Daniel J. Willis and send column ideas to him at @bayareadata.press on BlueSky.